Texas Jot

Plume and Fumes

2012-02-02T10:09:00.000-06:00

When Apache said they would put a flare by the tank battery, I didn't imagine anything as voluminous as this. This is not a flare, but rather a large plume of flame waving in the wind. You can see this thing from several miles away.
While I am happy that the gas is not being released into the air, the size of this fire-ball is a little overwhelming. Let's see...poison gas versus giant flame. I guess the flame wins.
You will be really grateful that I don't have the capabilities to transmit odor. If you have not had the chance to smell the odor emanating from a tank battery, you have missed one of life's dubious pleasures. Imagine yourself locked in a room for a week with folks consuming only tuna salad, hard boiled eggs and fried onion rings.
We no longer go to the ranch in search of fresh air and a great outdoor experience. What a stench!

Everything I Know About Men I Learned From Two Old Movies and a Brad Paisley Song

2012-01-31T09:31:00.000-06:00

Yep, it's true. I've spent a good part of my life trying to figure out men and how to get along with them. Reflecting back on what I've learned, I realize the eternal truths regarding the male sex can be condensed into three soundbites.

From Brad Paisley we learn the futility of trying....

"You're probably thinkin' that you're gonna' change me.
In some way, well, maybe you might.
Scrub me down, dress me up
Oh, but no matter what,
Remember, I'm still a guy."

From Sylvia (Celeste Holm) in Tender Trap (1955) to Joe (David Wayne) on marriage...

"You've got the married man's (pipe)dream...
You want a girl. That's what you all want...a girl...and that's what you can never have...
Because, the only way to have a girl is not to marry her because then, she becomes a wife...that's something entirely different.

Bobby Darin and Sandra Dee (1962) If a Man Answers on wedded bliss...

Chantel (Sandra) is given the key to a happy marriage by her mother, Germaine,...a canine training book. "You must treat your husband like a dog. Praise him when he is learning to fetch and carry. Make the words 'come here' mean something pleasurable. Be sure to frolic with your pet a part of each day."

Lady and the Tramps

2012-01-27T11:50:00.000-06:00

Lady and her off-spring, Doris, Dallas and D.J., live in Glasscock County with Lady's brother/cousin, Al. Until recently, they have had an idyllic life roaming the fields and frolicking in safety and security. Now they are threatened by the invasion of the Tramps, a.k.a. Apache. The Tramps are getting ready to drill a well on Lady's sacred homeland. The dogs have "marked" this territory and considered it their own.
Lady yapped about the placement of the well...practically on top of her family. They consented to move it a few hundred feet north and east. Unfortunately, it is still very close to her home.
Through her tears, Lady sobbed, "Haven't they heard of directional drilling?"
Lady is worried about the noise from 24-hour drilling, the constant traffic and the the large waste tank. Al, alias Al Capone, has a real talent for escape. All the activity directly next to his pen could inspire him to make a dash for it. Unfortunately, his need for adventure overtakes his good judgement when confronting new things...like porcupines. She doesn't want to find him floating in the sludge pit.
Being member of the proud line of pedigree English Pointers, Lady prides herself on her good nose. She fears the constant stench of drilling will dull the olfactory senses of her and her family.
"I'm getting older, but my triplets have a lifetime of hunting ahead of them."
Her biggest fear is simply survival.

"If the noise doesn't eventually drive us crazy from lack of sleep, I fear a poisonous gas leak will kill us all."

Not fit for man or beast.

Give Me REAL Chicken!

2012-01-25T10:54:00.000-06:00

If it smells like chicken and looks like chicken, it probably is chicken. The question is, just what kind of chicken is it? If your piece of chicken is shaped into a patty, forget it. It is mechanically separated chicken or MSC. Sometimes nuggets are pieces cut from whole breast meat...sometimes they are formed.
If you are in doubt, consider the structure of a chicken breast. They do not come off the chicken in recognizable shapes, but rather rounded toward one edge and taper more on one side than the other. Bite into a real chicken breast and you will notice that it has striations of meat. One can easily cut it into chunks, but if you pull a piece of the cooked chicken, you will get a "string" rather than a chunk.
It is difficult to track down some of the fast food and processed food, but from what I have found out, McDonald's and Chick-fil-a use "real" nuggets. If you are buying a frozen meal, by law they are required to list the chicken as MSC if it is not natural occurring breast meat.

The following recipe is for Restructured Chicken courtesy of the U.S. Dairy Export Council website.
chicken, breasts
water
salt modified starch
spices whey protein concentrate 80%*
sodium phosphate
chicken broth
Remove fat from whole chicken breast pieces and macerate trimmed breasts.
Take 20% of trimmed breasts and chop into a coarse paste.
Add meat and other ingredients to a tumbler and tumble under vacuum for at least 2 hours at 14 rpm.
Refrigerate and hold for 16-24 hours.
Stuff into pre-struck fibrous casing and cook, using relative high humidity, to an internal temperature of 153 degrees.
*WPC with chicken combination improves flavor, texture, juiciness and reduces cost in processed chicken products.

So how do they get the leftover meat off the bones? The chicken carcasses can be hit with streams of water to blast off the remaining meat and tendons, or they can be run through a sieve.
A whole muscle chicken breast can be combined with other similar pieces to be formed by hand or machine into a giant chicken breast. Then they are cooked or smoked. This is what you find behind the deli case. Did you really think a anyone raised a chicken large enough to have a breast that big? Of course, the meat can also be "made" as restructured chicken a la the nuggets and patties. These are so nasty, that they are better when thinly sliced.
So why do folks do this chicken engineering? To save MONEY.
If all that isn't enough to ruin your appetite, in 2005 a professor at the University of Georgia found a way to convert dark meat chicken into white meat. Daniel Fletcher's recipe involves adding water to the dark meat and then spinning the resulting slop in a centrifuge. It can then be molded into patties and nuggets.
I can tell you that I will be doing lots of label reading. In the mean time, if you want some really delicious chicken, check out my recipe for chicken pot pie on yourfashionplate.blogspot.com.

Edward Scissorhands Needs Adoptive Parents

2012-01-23T11:36:00.001-06:00

ONLY and ONLY'S parents have decided that it is time to find a new home for Eddie, alias YaYa, alias Edward Scissorhands. I am thrilled by the prospect of Eddie moving on to greener pastures. In fact, I have been wishing for this day since shortly after he was adopted from the SPCA.
SPOUSE TWO, having been raised with cats, made the cat selection. I'm sure as a small creature, this cat had some appealing aspects, but he turned out to be extremely anti-social and aggressive. While we don't know his lineage, I'm convinced that he is part alley cat and part panther...heavy on the panther.
Obviously, I've never bonded with Eddie. Our encounters have been limited to flashing his claws at me in a non-affectionate manner and tackling my leg when he wants to be fed. I give him a wide berth. When I visit ONLY et al. he plays mind games with me...hiding until I'm convinced somehow he has escaped from the house. I used to be able to rout him out with a good shake of the food jar, but now he's on to my trick. I have to shut my door at night or I will find him creeping up between the bedspread and covers, causing me no end of alarm. Since he never wants to be anywhere near me, I can only deduce that his does this to terrorize me...and it works.
The pet-lovers and saints across the street voluntarily cat-sit for the beast. They are rewarded for their efforts to keep Eddie alive by being scratched and thoroughly despised. They now enter the house armed with a tennis racket.
I wish I could say something positive about this cat other than he is very striking. He looks docile enough in the picture, but don't be fooled by this nonchalant pose. (Of course, he couldn't keep his bodily parts covered.) And yes, he is a very large cat with a giant-sized litter box. His hobbies are scratching rugs, shedding and retaliatory "deposits" if he feels neglected. This is not a dumb cat. It took him only a few days to figure out how to dismantle an automatic feeder, but he does suffer from selective hearing.
As ONLY so succinctly put it, "I think we should put YaYa outside." Music to my ears! Now if he would only stay outside. Maybe he could take a catamaran to Kathmandu or drive the Cadillac to the Catskills. I don't care where he goes, just as long as he goes...

If you are interested in offering this cat a loving home, you will be my best friend for life, even though you are delusional. Really, who would want to take on this terror? I'm afraid we are stuck with him.

Environmental Disaster at the Diamond B

2012-01-20T13:30:00.000-06:00

Since BP, the EPA and thousands of volunteers have finished cleaning up the Gulf Coast and President Obama has decided NOT to build the new pipeline, I figure everyone involved in pollution/toxins has time on their hands. Maybe they would like to come on over to the ranch and investigate my environmental disaster.
In the same diligent manner that I have tracked down many social injustices, I am now devoting all my time and energy to the tragic problem of tank battery spills. Some folks may find this film offensive, but it is my duty as a reporter to reveal even the seamy under-belly of the oil industry. Watch if you dare...

Holiday Returns

2012-01-18T09:03:00.000-06:00

This was a belated Christmas present from Apache. I have been trying to figure out how to return this or even exchange it for a smaller size. I hate to hurt anyone's feelings, but I find it overwhelming and on the par with a really ugly Christmas sweater. The really bad news is that PARTNER says Crabcooker is destined for a pumpjack, too, as the pressure on the well has dropped to nothing.

My second surprise was much more pleasing, but I wish I could exchange this for a larger size and have it altered to include "no smoking." While I certainly applaud Apache's efforts, if they are patrolling for drugs and firearms as diligently as they are for speeders on my property, the sign will be of little use. Two weeks ago, PARTNER and I were stunned by the speed of a work-over rig and the ensuing truck. If they were going less than 40 mph we might have been able to catch up with them. The only thing that did eventually stop them was when they met a tanker truck head-on. Can you just imagine the explosion if these two hadn't been able to stop?

The Great Diet Scam

2012-01-13T10:01:00.000-06:00

For decades we have been lead like lambs to the slaughter every January. We are bombarded with phony weight loss supplements, expensive exercise machines and magazines full of diets and exercise. Why would anyone in the world want to start a weight loss program in winter? The more reasonable among us will taper off the holiday food gorging and get back to a NORMAL pattern of eating. During those chilly months, we need those extra carbs to sustain us. Skipping meals and starvation just invites every germ on the block to make a home in your body.
My more sensible approach to the entire problem is wait until April. As the weather warms, your appetite naturally decreases, fruits and vegetables are their freshest and it is a great time to be outdoors participating in some calorie burning activities. I can guarantee you that your mirror will be the best indicator of whether you need a little toning. There is something about a sleeveless shirt and shorts that pretty much tell the tale of the tape.

Rise up ye masses and join the liberated people of the world. Pull the last of the Christmas cookies out of the freezer, have a cup of hot cocoa and curl up in a warm blanket and read. April will be here before you know it.
(Thanks to my sister, Sally Ann Lyle, for the most appropriate artwork. Please respect the copyright.)

312-765-7460

2012-01-12T10:56:00.001-06:00

How many times have these folks called you with a recorded message?..."this is not a sales call"... It is in reality a number associated with ESG Research Group (Chicago, Illinois) and they claim they just want you to answer a few questions and you will win a trip. The debt survey is innocuous enough, but the catch is when they turn you over to the "free vacation." Maybe they would like your credit card number to pay for the tax and gratuities?
The Internet is crawling with people who would like to get these calls stopped. I receive them on my landlines, cell phone and at the ranch. I have tried returning this call, but I get another recorded message saying, "this number is not accepting calls at this time." I wish I had the option on my phone. If you have the call blocking feature, you can block this number, but they will probably just use one of their other numbers to circumvent you.
I was desperate enough to file a complaint with the FCC. You can fill out a form on line and it takes less than 10 minutes. If we can't jam the offending caller's line, than maybe we can inundate the FCC with complaints about these guys.
(I have had SO many hits on this entry...the most ever in one day. I feel your pain. Let's put these scammers out of business.)

Stripping Weather Girl Goes Haywire

2012-01-10T11:13:00.000-06:00

Last January, I was bemoaning the fact that I inadvertently purchased an indoor/outdoor thermometer that indicated temperature levels by the amount of clothes my "weather girl" was wearing. Well, the little tart has finally stripped her gears and her clothes and now will only pose in her bikini.
I have changed her batteries and trashed her soundly, but she remains obstinate. We had about ten inches of snow yesterday and she is still brazenly staring at me in her skimpy attire. Not only that, but she refuses to give me a numerical temperature. This chick is headed for the dump. I guess trash always begets trash!

Zombie Queen

2012-01-06T14:19:00.000-06:00

I don't know how I missed this author. According to the Harrisburg Book Examiner, The First Days, is "one of the best zombie books of the decade." This glowing accolade goes to Rhiannon Frater who has penned such winners as, As the World Dies Trilogy: The First Days, Fighting to Survive and Siege and three additional vampire books. Where does she get her inspiration? According to Rhiannon, it is from her nightmares. Wonder what she eats before bed?

How to Give Yourself a Fat Lip

2012-01-05T08:19:00.000-06:00

At last, the secret is revealed. You, too, can give yourself a fat lip. Be the envy of your friends. Have the puffiest lip in town and no painful injections needed.
While extracting groceries from my truck, I grabbed for a particularly heavy bag and missed the handles. My arm, however, keep rising upward with full force until it connected with my lip. Bleeding and contusion were followed by immediate puffiness. One could say quite honestly that I look swell!

Get Out of Africa

2012-01-03T19:14:00.000-06:00

I guess folks are rushing off to Africa for vacation because it is now it is considered safer than Mexico. I discerned all I desire to know about the Dark Continent's inhabitants by visiting the zoo and natural history museums. What I found was that Africa is where they put all the animals made up of leftover parts..Hippos, Gnus, Aardvarks and Hyenas to name a few. It is also the land of all creatures about which one can make jokes and hold to ridicule. All these animals have an interesting life cycle. They begin their existence on the planes and bush of Africa and end up as a table, rug or wall decor in another country. I have watched enough hunting shows to know what is involved in an African safari (photo or otherwise).
You have servants and live in a clean tent or base camp.
Sightseers are driven around in jeeps and mini buses.
"Hunters" have a team of men who trail the beasts for them and stick their fingers in animal dung to determine how fresh the deposit is. Then they hack trails with their machetes and stand by to kill the unsuspecting animal if the "hunter" fails to kill it with his large caliber rifle.
The "hunter" salves his conscience by relating that the meat from the kill is distributed to the poor inhabitants of the nearby village. (Yes, I also know the argument that elephants destroy crops and big cats attack folks, but if you extrapolate that to our ranch, rattlesnakes will kill you and deer eat the crops, too. I don't notice any philanthropic effort on behalf of these terrors of nature.) In reality, if the hunter just forked over the up to $45,000 for the lion hunt, the entire community would be better off.
One can shoot a monkey or a baboon for about a hundred bucks, but why would you want to? Porcupines are harvested at the same rate, but I can save you lots of time and money. We have them all over the ranch. We can also offer you coyotes, which are almost as much fun as jackals, and we won't charge you $80. I just don't get it...

Blue light special!

"Officer, I'm not lyin'. It was self-defense."

"Def Leppard? I Thought you said dead leopard."

Potato Love Poem

2012-01-01T10:11:00.002-06:00

As far as I’m concerned, you see
The “eyes” have always had it.
You may label it addiction,
But I prefer to think of it as habit.

They seek me in the produce aisle
And give out a suggestive wink.
Though dirty-skinned and lumpy
They still make my heart go “plink”.

I’d like to pass them by this week
But passion rules my soul.
So, another recipe I’ll tweak.
Spuds in the cart…now on I roll.

The Russets rule my world it seems,
But Yukon Golds are great.
Little fingerlings are tasty steamed.
Just pile them on my plate.

I like you fried; both French and German.
You’re yummy just baked inside your skins.
You are so very tasty in a cheesy hot gratin
Duchessed up in fancy twirls… but never from a tin.

When I’m in a hurry
It’s Steam N’ Mash I quickly make.
Then I use the leftovers
In my famous chocolate potato cake.

I dream of you whipped in fluffy mounds.
Can’t wait to dig right in!
They say potatoes can add the pounds
But who started all that din?

I’ve checked it out and am quite sure
You're really a nutritional dream.
The culprit is the dairy group,
The added butter and sour cream.

Want the recipe for the chocolate potato cake? Just follow the link at the top of the page to yourfashionplate.blogspot.com.

White Christmas

2011-12-29T08:59:00.000-06:00

Amazingly, we had a white Christmas. It was great to have the family in house to share the event. We produced our first Midland snowman, ONLY made a snow angel and we marveled that it could snow in Texas for three days in a row.
As much joy as the holiday brought us, with the passing of the old year we remember those friends and relatives that did not live to see this Christmas. It makes one extra grateful for the family time we just enjoyed. We wish all of our family and friends dealing with illness a speedy and positive resolution to their medical issues.
May your new year be bright with possibilities, health and bring you even closer to your loved ones. In the spirit of forgiveness, I even took the pins out of the Apache voodoo doll.

My Top Christmas Movies

2011-12-22T09:12:00.000-06:00

I am an old movie buff, so you won't find any recent films here.They are not all necessarily strictly "holiday" films, but you will find Christmas comes into play somewhere in these movies. These gems are a fun treat for the entire family. Pop up some popcorn and feel the love!
My Favorite Wife- Irene Dunne and Cary Grant
Christmas in Connecticut- Barbara Stanwyck
Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
Holiday Inn -Fred Astaire and Bing Crosby
Shop Around the Corner- Jimmy Stewart
The Bishop's Wife- Cary Grant and Loretta Young
Never Say Goodbye- Errol Flynn and Eleanor Parker (I love this one!)
Bundle of Joy- Ginger Rogers
The Man Who Came to Dinner- Monty Woolley and Bette Davis

On my Christmas list? I am hunting for a copy of Tall, Dark and Handsome (1941) with Cesar Romero. It is a cute story with a bit of Christmas.

I think he likes the way she trims the tree!

There is a Santa Claus!

2011-12-21T11:22:00.000-06:00

PARTNER received a call from Apache. They have determined that the presence of Hydrogen Sulfide (poison gas) at the Rosebud Well warrants a flare, alarm, warning lights and a fence around the perimeter of the area. Short of a dome over the entire thing or moving the well to another county, it is giving me some reassurance that we will have a heads-up to the presence of this lethal gas. I'm not sure who monitors this equipment, but I will sleep a little more securely knowing it is in place.
To show I'm not really a Grinch, I hope that Santa will relent and bring Apache some closed loop systems for containing the drilling refuse that usually end up in reserve pits. These tanks are used by the big boys (Shell, Chevron, Exxon, etc.) because they reduce waste management, site closure costs, liability, surface disturbance, risks to wildlife and livestock and are just good PR. The problem with all this drilling detritus is that it can contaminate the soil with hydrocarbons, metals and salts which have the potential to work into surface or ground water. These tanks not only separate liquids and solids, they can be emptied at a disposal site and reused. The EPA suggests that a closed loop system for drilling fluids can reduce the volume of required fluids by 90%. They also have the endorsement of the Texas Railroad Commission, the overseers the drilling industry.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a safe night!

Tacky Christmas Cards

2011-12-20T12:05:00.000-06:00

Partner emailed me this card yesterday. This couple missed the boat when they didn't caption it "From the Big House to Your House...Merry Christmas!"

Along the same lines...

Less brutal, but equally bizarre...

And they say Christmas brings out the best in folks.

My He-Man Fantasy Football Team

2011-12-19T08:21:00.000-06:00

Dick (kick) Butkus: team idol

I am really tired of the LaSeans, Deseans, Shonns and Shawnes. Add the Princes and Tyrones to that list. Would you shake in your cleats when faced with Travis LaBoy (Charger), Tyler Clutts (Bear), Lyle Jolly (Falcons) Jeremy Mincy (Jaguars), Bront Bird (Chargers) or Paris Lenon (Cardinals)? Give me a fantasy team with some backbone in their names. Take your pick from my list of he-man appellations.
Bills: delinquent
Dolphins: Marc Colombo (always gets his man), Richie Incognito (try to spot him) and Austin Spitler (watch out for his mouth!)
Patriots: Ryan Mallett (you'll remember his hit), Danny Woodhead (who could survive a mallet), Rob Gronkowski ( we need lots old school players whose names end in "ski" and "sky") Brandon Dederick (wanted deaderick or alive) Vince Wilfork (you right in the gut) and Zoltan Mesko (science fiction mad-man)
Jets: Wayne Hunter (he'll find you)
Ravens: Joe Flacco (he'll give you flack) and Terrell Suggs (just sounds dreadful)
Bengals: no one to sink your teeth into
Browns: bake some brownies
Steelers: Doug Legursky (Old school,yes!) and Arnaz Battle (ready for battle)
Texans: Tim Bulman (don't give him any bull), Neil Rackers (I don't care if he's a kicker..great name.)
Colts: Pat Angerer (he's already mad, he'll just get angrier)
Jaguars: Will Rackley (he'll wrack you), Jason Spitz ( team him with Austin Spitler) and Ashton Youboty (he'll kick some booty)
Titans: Javon Ringer (you'll be hearing bells) and Byron Stingily (bee careful)
Broncos: Eric Decker (leaves them on the deck), Champ Baily (a lot to live up to but everyone loves a champion), Daniel Fells (he fells everything that comes in his way)and David Bruton (every team needs a brute)
Chiefs: Andy Studebaker (Honorable mention as a hulk of a car)
Raiders: Rock Cartwright (cousin to Hoss?)
Chargers: no sale
Cowboys: Gerald Sensabaugh (can sense the ball)
Giants: Bear Pascoe (he'll hug you like a bear) and Rocky Bernard (we all know Rocky can overcome anything.)
Eagles: Phillip Hunt (send him out with Wayne Hunter)
Redskins: Rocky McIntosh (either a good choice or a lumpy apple)
Bears: Nick Roach (creep me out!)
Lions: no roar in this group
Packers: Donald Driver (drive you into the ground) Tom Crabtree (watch out for the crab)and A.J. Hawk ( a bird of prey in cheeseland)
Vickings: Phil Loadholt (Loadholt? love it)
Falcons: Matt Bosher (pretty scary for a punter)
Panthers: Geoff Hangartner (makes you think of clothes-lining) and Jeremy Shockey (just one look will shock you)
Saints: Turk McBride (focus on the Turk)
Buccaneers: E.J. Biggers (bigger than what?) and Anthony Gaitor (as in alli-gator)
Cardinals: Mike Leach (don't put the blood-sucker on me)
Rams: Ah You (as in Ah! You! please don't hit me)
49ers: Michael Crabtree (another crabby one)
Seahawks: Atari Bigby (he's a gamer)
Just in case you think my theory a little wacky, the New England Patriots have scored six players on my fantasy team. They have been to the Super Bowl six times. This year they rank third in points scored, second in yardage and second in passing yards. Give it up, I'm a sports genius.
By the way guys...No end zone dances, no long hair and no hulk posing on my field of dreams.

Last Minute Revisions for Santa

2011-12-16T10:20:00.001-06:00

Dear Santa,
I realize that I sent my list to you in August, but an unfortunate change of circumstances has forced me to revise my list. Please disregard the perfume, cookware and books and substitute the following emergency equipment for my mule. I know you will be able to relate to this, as you also have a red vehicle.

1. portable water purification system ( Rationale: I am worried about our water being contaminated. I have a friend who had to replace all the plumbing in his house and drill a new water well due to contamination from oil well drilling.)
2. flashing lights and a James Bond style ramming device for the Mule (Rationale: See my little mule. It is no match for the speeding big trucks and rigs. I fear being run over, maimed and crushed.)
3. upgraded bullets for my handgun (Rationale: Snake shot was enough to protect me from the rattlesnakes, but now the place is crawling with strange men.)
4. gas mask (Rationale: I fear the poisonous gas spewing from the well sites. I know of someone who just died from exposure to this stuff.)
You know I'm not a person who is subject to whims and change of heart...you might even say, stubborn and intransigent, but none-the-less, I would not request these last minute changes unless I feared for my life.
Your loving fan,
Cece
PS Could you throw in some gas masks for PARTNER, my kids and a tiny one for the grand-baby? Also, don't forget the five defenseless dogs.
PPS Remember the little chat we had at the mall about Apache? No gifts, just coal.
PPPS I will have the oatmeal cookies you requested and a to-go bag for Mrs. Claus.

A Case of Misunderstanding

2011-12-15T09:42:00.000-06:00

PARTNER handed me his IPad and said, "You may not think this is funny."

"Understanding Women" now in paperback!

I told him I thought it was hilarious and just like a male to have a typo.

The email sender accidentally put a "wo" in front of the word man.

And, oh yeah, the title should be in Italics, not in quotes. Gee, the

picture is not very clear, either. They just can't get anything right, can they?!

Apache Irony

2011-12-14T11:19:00.000-06:00

According to the Glasscock County "newspaper," Apache has donated $75,000 toward the purchase of a fire truck. Ironic, isn't it, since Apache and its sub-contractors are violating the county burn ban, prohibiting outdoor grilling unless it is on a hard surface patio or drive, away from all vegetation.

No Christmas Miracle from Apache

2011-12-12T09:57:00.000-06:00

You could see it from quite a distance. We hopefully followed the light in the East. When we arrived upon the scene, there was only a tank battery, trailer, six pick-up trucks, lots of garbage (all time record trash), two roads blocked, a very messy Onda-lay pipe crew and "beware of poison gas " sign. The day only improved with them cutting the water line from the windmill to the trough. I guess it was too much trouble to ask where the plumbing ran.
The situation degenerated even further...they still think it is permissible to have an open fire on the property and cook up some chow. And, of yeah...the dreaded frac tanks are not far behind.
We keep asking questions and they keep refusing to answer them. Apache must think we are pretty stupid. Using our secret agents, worldwide network of spies and eavesdroppers, we've found out what's going on and you guys ought to be down on bended knee thanking the day you came on our property. It might not hurt to show us a little consideration for your good fortune on the Rosebud well.
P.S. Hope you can live with prostate pain until Christmas. I have no intention of removing the voodoo doll pins before then.

Apache: Hitting Them Where It Hurts

2011-12-08T09:22:00.000-06:00

Apache dealt us a very cruel blow when they announced they were drilling two more wells on the property. Not only are the destroying even more of "our" property, but they had the unmitigated nerve to spoil my birthday with their pronouncement.
It is time for legal action, razor wire, armed guards and the EPA. PARTNER is feeling miserable, too. I've never seen him look so glum. I have had it with those folks!!! Here is my opening salvo...

I may be a security threat, after all.

Income Tax Song

2011-12-05T09:41:00.000-06:00

I used to have breakfast every morning with PARTNER, but for the last several years I have shared the morning repast with him AND the hosts of Squawk Box on CNBC. I have nothing against Becky, Andrew and Joe, but it is not so good for the digestion to listen to political haggling and economic woes every day. The one eternal truth I've learned is that at no time will everyone be satisfied with the prevailing conditions.
Lest you think this is a new development, folks have been agitated about politics and the economy for a long, long time. Last week I caught a bit of an old movie on Turner Classics and thought y'all would get a kick out one song in particular. I wasn't able to find the lyrics, so the transcription is courtesy of me, with TWO adding her corrections. I dedicate this one to Rick Santelli...

The New Parade AKA The Income Tax Song
Sung by the Yacht Club Boys in the musical Stage Struck (1939) lyrics by E.Y. Harburg
Transcription by Cece Brune

“When the all American Congress of the great United States
Sat a while ago in legislative session.”
What’d they do?
“They decided they must make a good impression,”

We know…
So they started legislation for increases in taxation.
Which we fear was economic indiscretion.

“Correct! From Atlantic to Pacific, taxes now are so terrific
That Republicans predict a new depression.”

Who cares….
As for us we’ll be like brainy businessmen
And we’re never ever going to work again.

It’s certainly silly to struggle and slave for what you can save today,
‘Cause whatever you’re clever enough to make, the government takes away…
Away, a way to make the people pay is to raise the income tax.

And who gets rich?...the sons of political leaders who sit on their backs.
A fellow is foolish to fuss and to fret for what he can net today,
'Cause whatever you’re clever enough to make, the government takes away.

With a tax on this and a tax on that,
We’re starting to talk in our sleep.
It’s strange to say but today, the more you earn the less you keep.

We’d like to know what good’s our dough when all that it got us is grief?
Your legal advisor’ll tell you it’s wiser and cheaper to be on relief.
From income tax and inheritance tax, we’re getting the government blues.
The taxes take the profit you make and they leave you what you lose.

Our Uncle died, at first we cried, but now we can really relax.
‘Cause here’s the joke, he passed the poke and we don’t have to pay any tax.
You like a stock, you buy a block and pay the commission, of course.
It’s up, you sell it and pay the tax and find you’ve taken a loss.

We’re losing our health from sharing the wealth.
We think it’s an awful mistake.
It’s funny but all of the money we make the Treasurer takes, the Senator takes, the Congressman takes.
And not forgetting municipal tax, the luxury tax; they’re breaking our backs.
From giving the government 20 percent, then 40 percent…we can’t pay the rent.

They tax us for every emergency here, emergency there.
They’re starting to get in our hair.
It’s certainly silly to struggle and slave for what you can save today,
‘Cause whatever you’re clever enough to make the government takes away….

Away, today our poor financial stomach is looping the government loop.
We’ve got political indigestion from living on alphabet soup.
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker take most of your dough today.
And, whatever is left when they get through, the government takes away.

Want to watch the Yacht Club Boys actually signing the song?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exsymuR9uz4

Yacht Club... Boys?

Holiday Shopping for the Game Day Guys

2011-12-04T10:19:00.001-06:00

I have three men of my own to shop for, but it is a great source of angst every year to come up with suitable holiday gifts for them. It should not be easier to select something for a man you don't even know, than for one you do. Nevertheless, without ever meeting them, I have the Game Day crew covered.

Chris Fowler gets a little Grecian Formula,
even though his touch of gray is becoming.

Santa gives him extra points for those dimples.

Loose lips, Lee Corso, gets a paperweight and a lump of coal.

Kirk Herbstreit gets the Dove because he is comfortable

in his skin...who wouldn't be? I'm putting Cheez-Its and a

Discover card in his stocking.

Visit My New Etsy Store, Coco's Cache

2011-12-02T09:48:00.001-06:00

Yes, it is self-indulgent, but rewarding...I am happy to announce that my Etsy store is open for business. Just go to ETSY.com. Select "Shops" from the drop down menu at the top of the page and enter Coco's cache in the search box.
I finally shot some decent outdoor pictures of the reversible apron/smocks, so you can see how cute they are and also get a close-up look at the colors and patterns. There are two model shots that display the cut and fit of the apron on something besides a coat hanger.
If you live locally and want to purchase an apron online, I will refund your shipping (charged automatically) if you want to pick it up. Just include that in your message to seller and give me a contact email or phone number. Etsy uses Paypal and credit cards and handles all the funding through its secure site.

This one is called, Holly Days!

(ONE...thanks for the gentle prdding to make this a reality. TWO... thanks for the photo and modeling help.)

Multiplying Apache Tanks

2011-11-29T08:16:00.001-06:00

One little ,
Two little
Three little oil tanks.
Four little,
Five little,
SIX little oil tanks...and a gas pipeline.
Gee, every week it is something new at the Diamond B. Apache must be working overtime to find ways to infuriate me. My unsightly tank battery has grown from three to six . Now they need to run a natural gas pipeline across the property, too. I guess I should start all over with the "name the tank battery" contest. I think the pipeline will be designated Beans and Onions, as they are a root cause of natural gas.
I haven't been at the ranch much...I think it is better for my mental health. Two weeks ago, we spied an oncoming S&S truck traveling above the speed limit. We pulled off the road and waited for them to pass, avoiding a head on collision between our open vehicle with a top speed of 15 MPH and a giant truck. When they did catch sight of us, amazingly, the velocity at which they were traveling was greatly reduced. So much for the speed limit signs.
Apache has foisted off the actual "making" of the well to a group called Lucky. Yea, I thought the same thing. Unfortunately, they were very lucky...hence the three new storage tanks. Rosebud is a big producer requiring 4 tanks and a mile of polypipe (which I hope they bury, soon). I wonder what happens if one of those tanks leaks. I didn't notice any drip pans underneath the tanks. As much as I dislike the EPA, I could use them about now.
We still have men living on the property in trailers and campers. Why am I not entitled to charge these folks rent? And, there is also the never-ending trail of trash...what can I say? Oilfield trash makes trash!
Apaches I would rather have on my property:

Kobe Bryant vs. Kobe Beef

2011-11-27T13:41:00.000-06:00

From what I can figure out, only the folks who spent time calling into the sports talk shows cared if the NBA ever settled the lockout. I'm so tired of the whiny, over-paid athletes who continue to provide really horrendous role models. I was hoping they would just cancel the season. But, alas, money talks. If one has already missed a million dollar plus pay-check, how does one pay the maids, butler and bodyguard? Wouldn't it be nice if they just took all those NBA salaries and put the total to reduce the national deficit?

Hey, just settle, I want my cash!

NBA...Nothing but awful. Give me college hoops, any day!

My pedigree shows with every bite.

Yes...I chose the beef, too!

Rod Stewart's Hot Legs, Etc.

2011-11-21T12:33:00.000-06:00

Too bad you can't see his pink shoes!

Rod Stewart has eight children, some fathered after the age of 60. While I'm thinking that decorating the Christmas tree has become more like using the Stairmaster, this man is bouncing around stage through an entire concert.
Due to the sweetness of a special and generous fairy-godmother, I had center-front-row-seats for the opening of the Wagner Noel Performing Arts Center. I could see every freckle on Rod's face. It was an incredible evening of entertainment. I'll get to Rod in a minute, but I have to give kudos to his vocalists and musicians. They were superior, talented and engaging. I would have paid to see them perform on their own.
Several years ago, on a trip home from Dallas, I made PARTNER listen to a double album of Rod and he withstood it until the final 45 minutes. I noticed he enjoyed the concert immensely, in spite of that mind-numbing experience. Rod sang 17 songs, including my favorites, Rhythm of My Heart, Have I told You, and You're in My Heart. The fifteenth song was Hot Legs and he kicked soccer balls into the audience the entire time he was singing. Talk about some hot legs...he landed one in the upper balcony! PARTNER, my hero of the evening, snagged an autographed soccer ball for me. Despite my rising from a sick bed to attend the concert, the evening was well worth it. What a kick-off for the fantastic new performing arts center for the Permian Basin!

Unfortunately, I was too busy watching to take any photos. When Rod appeared for his encore, Shake Your Money Maker, I finally grabbed PARTNER's phone and got a bit of footage, just to prove I was really there.

One Good Thing About Apache: Show of Support

2011-11-18T09:17:00.000-06:00

Last evening was the annual Show of Support Hunt for Heroes banquet. As every year, the men and wives being honored for their military service are incredible individuals. It is a humbling time to be among such bravery. They have been shot at and been hit by explosions all in the line of duty. Then they face years of surgery and therapy to overcome the physical and mental injuries. The hunt is a chance for them to have a weekend of deer hunting and camaraderie with their peers, while the wives enjoy pampering, sightseeing and shopping.
For the past five years, PARTNER and I have sponsored a hero and his wife. We have made some wonderful friends over this time. It is an opportunity for us to say "thanks" for being there on 9-11and protecting our country from even worse tragedy. They are so grateful for the time spent in Midland and the show of support, but we always come away from the event thinking how lucky we are, as sponsors, to have the opportunity to meet such heroes.
This week, I'm going to cut Apache some slack, as they were also rifle sponsors. They also had a crew directing folks to their tables. They get a big thumbs-up for their support of this community event.
One of our returning heroes, Major Rusty Bradley and his wife Carolyn, were our guests in 2007. Since that time, Rusty has written a compelling book about his military experiences in Afghanistan. He was in command of a Special Forces A-team when he was wounded at the Battle of Sperwan Ghar. This is book pays homage to his team and the extraordinary heroism displayed under horrendous circumstances. Did you notice I said "team." This is not one of those grab-the-glory plays by the author, it is a true tribute to his men and an enlightening insight on Afghanistan. Lions of Kandahar is available on Amazon.

Apache Autumn

2011-11-15T11:10:00.000-06:00

The green leaves of the cottonwood tree are no longer murmuring. They lie on the ground in a crispy brown pile. The bobcats and the coyotes are on the prowl for food and the ducks are seeking refuge upon our ponds as they fly south for the winter. Ah, the change of seasons at the ranch.
I have not been to the ranch in a month, so this weekend I had a chance to survey all these changes. The Apache gate warden, like the ducks, has flown the coop. The rig has moved to greener pastures. Unfortunately, it set up just across from our property and is a shining beacon in the night...a constant reminder that there are 16 Apache rigs at work in the Garden City area.
Of course, they left trash behind: coke can, water bottle, damaged poly pipe...I never did make it as far as Rosebud, so who knows what junk is lying around there. The biggest surprise of all was just how enormous the tank battery is. I don't know how far away PARTNER was when he shot that photo, but these tanks are huge! By the way, I'm still accepting names for this landmark atrocity. Maybe the winner will get to come out and tour the scenic cesspools left behind from the drilling.
I should have know that my pipe dream of co-existence with Apache, was just that. I am back on the offensive and just waiting until they start trenching for the pipelines to the tank battery. Most of all, I am dreading the frac trucks and all that mess.
The really good news is that some company will be running seismic on the property PDQ. Just what I want...more strangers roaming around the ranch. The last crew that was there made a big mess. Can't wait to see what these guys do. Apache ought to be excited. I'll be grousing about someone else for a while.

Christmas Wish List: Stripping Pole and Digital Camera

2011-11-10T08:09:00.001-06:00

I try to embrace current technology, but I still can't come to grips with Twitter. It makes no sense to me that anyone would want to read all that verbal diarrhea. I did, however, put a holiday wish list on Amazon to help PARTNER with his birthday and Christmas shopping. I thought it would be much easier for him to click and ship rather than shop.
I told ONE of my list and she went to look for it. "Mom, there must be 20 wish lists with the same name."
"Okay, I'll try to make mine more distinguishable."
After checking out Amazon, I realized she only needed my email address to find the wish list. I would tell her next time we talked.
Next day:
"Mom, I looked up your name and the only entry I could find the items on the wish list were a Stripping Pole and Digital Camera...I didn't think it was you."

Well, I'm still laughing...Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight...but only after I make my holiday video in the skimpy Santa suit. Guess I better add it to the list.

Reversible Aprons

2011-11-08T07:59:00.000-06:00

Because my life isn't busy enough...

Jane Jetson

Hot Flash

Fiesta

At the urging of ONE, I made up some reversible aprons from a pattern of my own design. I am trying to get them posted on Etsy, but they are selling faster than I can make them. Hopefully, they will be on Etsy, soon. Anyway, here is a preview.

Juliette

Penelope

Chocolate Garden

Quilted Garden

Bella

Sophisticate

Oh, I left off Tussy Mussy...cute pink and brown floral with reverse stripes. Anyway, aprons are $40 plus tax for Texas residents.

Outsmarted by Apache?

2011-11-06T11:01:00.000-06:00

Hmmmmm....just when I thought I had the lay of the land, Apache pulls another fast one on me. PARTNER informed me (I'm still too sick for the ranch) that Apache hired security to man the gate because the volume of traffic (something to do with drilling mud and water problem) was so great that they couldn't keep the gate locked. Now we have our own personal guard (and his wife) to protect us from trespassers and poachers. I think they have out-foxed the fox. If they are not careful, I may run out of things to complain about. Could it be they are actually trying to be accommodating? It is scary...they even painted the gate.
Of course, then there is this new blight on our land. How did they build this so fast? If I could only find a contractor that moved at that warp speed, I would be delighted. It is the things I don't want that seem to be accomplished so effortlessly.

Since I've named every other feature on the ranch, I figure we need to name this monstrosity, too. Y'all have been so interested in this little trauma of mine, I thought I'd give you first crack at naming the tank battery that is located somewhere between Crabcooker and Rosebud. (Can't wait to see it in person.) Put your thinking caps on and submit your entries on the comment bar. I'm sure I will find a suitable prize for the winning entry.

Apache Pow Wow

2011-11-04T10:08:00.000-05:00

Photo taken by my security team scout, Lori.

Every Wednesday, so I hear, the Apache chiefs gather for a meeting in Midland. Wouldn't I like to be a fly on the wall to hear what was going on in their corporate world? I understand my name has occasionally made it into the mix.
I think these guys and/or women should be having meetings with all the little Indians and sub-contractors instead of chatting among themselves. They can give us reassurances and issue all the dictates that they like, but until they can enforce company policies in the field, it is just a source of frustration to us and a waste of time.
Unfortunately, all my curse casting and voodoo doll handicraft were to no avail. Apache managed to drill a successful well and are on to the next one, Rosebud. I think it is very ironic that the well site shares its name with the last words of the protagonist in Citizen Kane. If you have not seen the movie, it depicts the financial rise and eventual fall of a greedy, manipulative man. Rosebud? The final words refer to a childhood possession that was probably the last thing he truly loved.
The good news is that I've been to sick to make it to the ranch the past few weeks. I know you would like the latest trash tally and gate closing failures, but PARTNER says that things are improving. I don't know whether he is just telling me these things to keep my blood pressure normal, or it is really getting better. Fortunately, the second well is not visible from the house. I'm going with the out of sight out of mind theory.

The bad news is...the well was so productive that they need a tank farm. You guessed it...they are usurping more of our property to install a permanent collection facility. Not only will it enhance the landscape with its beauty, we will be blessed with a little crude oil bomb waiting to explode. I know you folks who live in states where landowner's rights are not subservient to minerals are very jealous.

Whatever Happened to Halloween?

2011-10-31T10:14:00.000-05:00

Sweet gingerbread "men".

I am longing for the days when Halloween was not an affront to organized religion. To a time when children roamed the neighborhood in homemade costumes and were delighted by any small token treat they were awarded. I don't want to see blood-dripping monsters or kids too cool for costumes. I want to hear "thank yous" and see faces of parents I know escorting their charges through the neighborhood. I don't like "Trunk or Treat" in a parking lot. Yes, not only do I have a terrible cold, I am suffering from severe case of nostalgia.

Still Alive

2011-10-28T21:09:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all your inquiries...I am still alive and not being held captive by Apache, as so many of you supposed. I was in Austin for five days and returned home with the world's nastiest virus. I am embracing antibiotics and lots of liquids. Be back at the keyboard soon.

Apache is Off the Reservation

2011-10-19T09:18:00.000-05:00

Not only do I have 3 units of manufactured housing and four campers parked at the Crabcooker well, Apache is also shuttling in a van-load of men from the "reservation" at Highway 158 and CR420. For a drilling rig that is supposed to be practically automatic (computer controlled), I don't know what all these men are doing...I mean besides leaving the gate open, littering and grilling on a propane barbecue during a red-flag alert fire hazard. I guess they didn't get the message earlier in the year that Glasscock County is having a severe draught and all burning activities are to be curtailed. Maybe I ought to call the sheriff to issue them a citation before they burn down the place.
I asked PARTNER what would happen if they did catch the ranch on fire...I mean, wouldn't they be liable?
He gave me that "where do you come up with these things looks" but then he got a little quiet. I think we are both worried about our rights as a property owner...they seem to be non-existent.

MLK Versus Coach K Statue

2011-10-18T08:39:00.000-05:00

Obviously they didn't listen to me, so the initiative signed by Bill Clinton in 1996 has resulted in the latest addition to the Washington, DC monument scene...a thirty-foot statue of Martin Luther King nestled between the Jefferson and Lincoln Memorials. Silly me, I thought the National Mall was reserved to honor former PRESIDENTS.
It seems I'm not the only one a little disturbed by this statue. Some folks seem to think MLK looks too confrontational with his arms folded. (Wasn't his work necessarily confrontational?) Others are fixated on the fact that the sculpture was from a communist country (China) and King would have been appalled that slave labor helped to create this work. There's a segment of the population that feels his face looks too Chinese. (Hey, they did let the family select from some different headshots.) Dosen't that look like a rolled-up newspaper in his hand? Finally, this monster statue towers 11 feet over the other monuments in the vicinity.
As far as I'm concerned, the statue looks more like an angry Asian-American, than a black preacher leading "peaceful" social reform, but that's beside the point. We have statues to all kinds of heroes and leaders, but they are not parked in an area traditionally reserved for presidential honors. Future archaeologists will stumble upon this thirty-foot tribute and debate why he was placed among the elected. Good luck, I can't even answer that question, today.

Stone selection underway. He has his arms folded, too!

Referencing my blog entry (see below) of January 14, 2001, Celebrate MLK, JFK or Coach K?, I think the wrong man got the statue. I hope you will join me in support of this initial drive to get a statue dedicated to Coach K. Make your donations at www. statue of coach k.com.net.org. Let's also petition Congrees to get him a nice shady spot on the tidal basin.
Celebrate MLK, JFK or Coach K ?

Why can't we just speak the truth and move on? MLK was the impetus of the civil rights movement, but he was also a plagiarist and a womanizer. Why wasn't his PhD revoked? JFK's philandering and alleged involvement with organized crime were suppressed by his brother, Bobby. What we are spoon-fed is the glorious allusion of Camelot. We made it to the moon and fostered the Peace Corps, but we are asked to conveniently forget the Bay of Pigs and other foreign policy fiascoes. The question of whether JFK's and MLK's shortcomings negate any of their official triumphs can only be decided by one's personal and historical prospective.
We need to reveal the good, the bad and the ugly. I find it quite interesting that we continue to foster historical textbook role models on children. If Thomas Jefferson can father a slave child and survive historical examination, why don't we stop eulogizing King and Kennedy as saints? Appreciate the good they accomplished, but include the caveats. That is how we learn from history.
If we want to celebrate a truly great "K", how about Duke basketball coach, Mike Krzyzewski? I have yet to discover any flaws in his character. This West Point grad, from humble beginnings, has captured 4 National Titles, an Olympic Championship and is the second all-time winningest basketball coach. To pass my litmus test, I also needed to know what he did when he was not coaching. He built a Family Center in honor of his mother and is a supporter of many Catholic charities. He is allied with the Duke School of Business to promote ethics. He is know as a mentor, motivator and a true family man. I have picked against him in the Final Four (big mistake), but it is hard to overlook the fact that on or off the court, he is the type of role model our children really need.

Can You Hear Me, NOW!

2011-10-17T08:31:00.001-05:00

I find it amazing that we don't think twice about getting our vision checked but relegate hearing tests to octogenarians. Usually, hearing loss is so gradual that one doesn't even realize that there has been a decline...we just turn up the volume.
In an article in the Journal of Neuroscience, researchers at the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pittsburgh discovered that even mild hearing loss was linked to atrophy of the brain . People with hearing loss showed less brain activity when listening to complex sentences. Unlike Alzheimer's, there is something we can do to stave off this decline in gray matter and comprehension. A simple hearing evaluation can bring the auditory assistance you require.
My grandmother and mother had to be dragged to the audiologist. They refused to wear their hearing aids and spent a good part of their life pretending to hear what the rest of us were saying. Like getting used to contact lenses, hearing aids require some getting use to and adjustment. The good news is that that are lots of different types of hearing enhancers on the market. Find an audiologist who carries multiple brands and get your hearing evaluated.
Luckily, someone put me onto Sally Reyes at All About Hearing. I had my hearing checked 2 years ago and had a mild hearing loss. At the time I tried some hearing enhancers, but didn't feel like they helped that much. This year, I repeated the test and there had been a further decline in hearing. I am now testing some different types of hearing aids. These modern devices are programmed on the computer and can be adjusted at the audiologists as your needs change. It is a far cry from the take-it-or-leave-it Beltone models from which your parents had to select.
I will say, Sally is probably the most patient woman on earth. I have been through numerous different configurations finding the fit and auditory level. This can be a process, so I can understand the frustration of an elderly person when they have problems with a hearing device.How do you convince your family that you are not just being cantankerous? My solution is, get your hearing checked on a regular basis and get some auditory assistance while you are in control of your healthcare. (PARTNER, on the other hand, popped his right in and has had smooth sailing for the past few years.)

The Perelman study noted that even individuals who fell within normal hearing ranges still suffered from speech comprehension issues. Pretty scary, huh?!

Don't be Rude: RSVP

2011-10-13T10:38:00.000-05:00

If you've been on the hosting end of a party, you know how frustrating it is when someone doesn't reply to an invitation. Arrangements for food, whether made by the host(s) or catered, must be made in advance. It is thoughtless not to respond to an invitation...the expected response time is three days from the receipt of the invitation.
If the invitations states:
RSVP or Please reply, you need to respond "yes" or "no" to the email or phone listed.
Regrets only means they expect you there unless you state otherwise.
If there is a reply card, you need to fill it out immediately and return it.
Sometimes there is a reply by date listed on the invitation...it is there for a reason.

It is easy to delude yourself that one guest more or less won't make a difference, but when hosting a recent event, it was five days before and I had heard from only 1/5 of the invitees. I know there are times when your availability to attend a function is in question, but either reply "no" or make the commitment to attend. You do not need to offer a reason for not attending than "I am unable to attend." If you have been traveling and come home to an invitation, call the hostess immediately and explain the situation.
Weddings present there own set of complications. Any formal invitation requires a formal reply. The wording may sound a bit stilted using third person, but it is the correct way to respond. Use a white or ecru fold-over note and write on third page using black ink. Send it addressed to your hosts at the address on the back flap of the invitation envelope.
Normally, you would respond to the hostess only, but wedding responses should be addressed to the couple hosting the wedding. Replies should be made within a week of receiving the invitation.

Accept:

Mr. and Mrs. Alan Brown

accept with pleasure

the kind invitation of

Mr. and Mrs. Green

for

Thursday, the sixth of January

at two o'clock in the afternoon

Decline:

Mr. and Mrs. Alan Brown

regret that they are unable to accept

the very kind invitation of

Mr. and Mrs. Green

for

Thursday, the sixth of January

One or more can attend:

Mr and Mrs. Alan Brown

accept with pleasure

the kind invitation of

Mr. and Mrs. Green

for

Thursday the sixth of January

at two o'clock in the afternoon

Samantha, James and William

regret they are unable to attend

Do not use abbreviations other than titles Mr., Mrs., Ms and do not put a period at the end of any line. Center each line on your stationery. If a person's name is not listed on the envelope of the invitation, he or she is NOT invited to the wedding. Never ask to bring additional quests to a wedding or reception. The one variance to this rule is if you are engaged, then you may ask to bring your fiance(e). He or she should have been invited in the first place. You'll notice that most wedding invitations today contain a reply card. This is the hostess' attempt to illicit a response from the masses of guests who are not schooled in the art of social graces.
Until you have been stuck footing the bill for guests that failed to show, it may be hard for you to understand the waste, expense and rudeness of not replying to an invitation. There isn't a mother of a bride that I have talked to who can't forget her anger at the guests that failed to show for her daughter's wedding. They still see the hundred dollar bills flying out the door.
The one exception to the reply rule is unsolicited invitations to business luncheons. I feel no compunction to reply to a financial planning firm that I don't want to avail myself of their sales pitch disguised as an informative luncheon.

Hiring a Security Guard

2011-10-11T08:29:00.000-05:00

Ever since the first Apache encroachment, I've been considering hiring a security guard for the ranch. My contractor and former Marine, as well as a Major in Special Forces volunteered for a one-time visit, but I really need someone full-time.
There is less than 3% unemployment in Midland. Here, you are completely employable unless you fit in the following categories:
1. Illegal alien
2. Felon
3. Drug/alcohol addict
...then you can only have two out of three issues and still be hired. So far, my list of applicants has been pretty discouraging.

Keyring App

2011-10-10T10:02:00.000-05:00

I find myself decling the offer of those customer discount/loyalty cards just because I don't like keeping up with all that extra stuff in my wallet. Thanks to friend, Carolyn Bradley, I was introduced to the IPhone app, Keyring.
Amazingly, this will "read" your customer number off of your card and save it to your phone. When you go to the store, just select that store from the keyring list. Not only will it bring up your customer number, it also alerts you to any available coupons. The store clerk gets the coupon information from your phone. No cards or coupons to carry.
I didn't think I had that many cards, but my wallet is reduced by a dozen extra pieces of paper and plastic. I don't have to remember to carry coupons, either. I love this app! There are tons of stores listed and you can sign up for more cards right on your phone. You can registered with Keyring and all your info can be transferred to a new phone. keyringapp.com/download

Apache Smoke Signals

2011-10-07T09:21:00.000-05:00

This should be a good sign. Although you can' read it, it says Apache workers have not missed any time due to accidents in 171 days, it is a hardhat area and NO SMOKING, etc. It does look, however, that the sign has been in an accident.

Now take ten paces forward and see the next sign: Oh look...it says DESIGNATED SMOKING AREA. As far as I'm concerned, there is NO place on the Diamond B Ranch, the county of Glasscock or the state of Texas that is safe for smoking. We under a burn ban and severe drought. I don't want these yahoos burning up my ranch.

Why am I having so much trouble with these folks? I solved the mystery last weekend. I spied these units sitting to the side of the drilling rig. I'm sure this is where they perform the frontal lobotomies and red-neck brain transplants.

Obamacare Coverage of Contraception Sparks Elder Sex Explosion

2011-10-06T08:40:00.000-05:00

She's 71 and he's 54. They haven't been formally introduced, but shared a few drinks in a Michigan bar. Then it was on to the back seat of Rita Daniels' Buick Regal for a naked romp. When questioned police as to what was going on, her "date", Tim Adams, replied, "I'm ******* this chick." I guess it was worth it to Rita to...notice the big smile in her mugshot.

On a more civilized note, the Duchess of Alba, a Spanish billionairess wed civil servant, Alfonso Diez, age 60. "Alfonso doesn't want anything (money). All he wants is me." Yes, I understand just what he sees in this 85-year-old woman. Isn't love grand?

George Howard, a robust 59 years, was arrested in Kentucky for having sex while drinking beer and driving. His female companion, whose face was in Howard's aah... lap, was not arrested despite the beer she attempted to hide under her dress. I'm glad they gave her the benefit of the doubt.
While some would say that the morals of the world are in rapid decline, I blame it on Obamacare. When the government starts paying for birth control rather than hearing aids and eye glasses, what do can one expect of these senior citizens? I mean, you need to take advantage of your benefits.

Getting Drilled by Apache

2011-10-05T11:12:00.000-05:00

Figuratively and literally, we are getting drilled by Apache. I thought you might appreciate some photos, so you can comprehend the scale of this production. Thanks for being sympathetic to my plight. I appreciate your righteous indignation. If anger were truly the enemy of production, this company would be at a standstill.

Home away from home for my free-loading borders.

Just part of the big, noisy mess I can see from my recliner.

Apache Security Counter-Strike

2011-10-03T13:22:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought it was safe...I found this on my seat at an event Saturday evening.

Harmless black bag.

No idle threat!

Personalized voodoo doll enclosed.

They even know I love chocolate!

Now, that's what I call retaliation. Too bad the rest of the company is slow slow on the uptake. The gate is STILL being left open. Sunday's trash count:
4 water bottles
one Dr. Pepper bottle
grocery bag filled with sunflower seeds
electrical wire
duct tape
and some stuff in the field I was not properly attired to retrieve.
My latest salvo was a handmade sign on the gate:
"Obviously you can't listen, but maybe you can read. This gate is to be closed and LOCKED at all times."
I'm sure they are trembling in their boots.

Who Gave Guns to the Apache?

2011-09-30T14:08:00.000-05:00

I know I vowed to put the Apache voodoo doll aside and give the company a chance to make me happy, but it has only been three days and already we've had some more trouble. It seems someone armed the Apache nation. Personally, I think the guns were hidden in the buckboard of the bible salesman. Don't they always hid them there?

Anyway, SOMEONE shot a buck right next to the newly constructed road for Apache. Yes, it was not only a case of poaching, but definitely not even hunting season. We have compounded felonies, here. Our water-well guy spotted the dead deer and called to let us know. We high-tailed it out there after work, but alas, the buck was missing. The question is...who passed the buck and to whom???
This does not reassure me at all that the gates are indeed kept locked at all times and the contractors and sub-contractors for Apache are honest citizens. And, there is the small matter of armed men on my property. The ranch is supposed to be a wildlife conservation area.

Donna Decorates Dallas

2011-09-27T13:46:00.000-05:00

Donna Moss, at age 50, was an HGTV Design Star winner. I guess that honor entitled her to a show of her own. Hence, Donna Decorates Dallas. I was a little puzzled why they selected a title so reminiscent of the infamous porn movie, Debbie Does Dallas. After watching two episodes of the program I realize that their only other natural choice would have been Pimp My Home.
What offends me most about this show is that it portrays Texans as flamboyant and tasteless. I would describe Donna's style as Religion Meets Bordello...either put a cross on it or add fringe, fur and feathers. If you are into bling, you may not be offended by this "designer's" eclectic methods of decorating, but that aside, she seems to have no sense of scale. I'll admit that it is a difficult task to fill the cavernous spaces of the Dallas Mc Mansions, but if that's where your clientele live, it is your obligation to figure out a way to make it look right. Her main skill seems to be convincing insecure women that their house does not "reflect their personality." Of course, real estate agents would be the first to tell you that these taste specific houses are the most difficult to sell.
Here are some of Donna's decorating ideas:
1. faux painting (so last decade)
2. covering the frame of a cheval mirror with fake diamonds and costume jewelry (this was for a 3-year-old)
3. using earrings glued over tufted chair buttons to give it "bling"
4. incorporating pages from the Bible on the face of a nightstand (Isn't that sacrilegious?)
5. a pair of large angel wings on either side of a window to "draw your eye upward"
6. two stuffed peacocks stuck on perches in the wall.
At the end of each show, we get a close-up of Donna's surgically enhanced face saying, "They seemed to like it." I have watched many a Candice Olsen re-models on HGTV and at no time was there any doubt in my mind that her clients were overwhelmingly pleased...to the point of tears. The only tears shed on this show will be when Donna's clients get their bill.

I think her daughters, Tiffany and Ashley, have the perfect opportunity here. They need to start there own show like Alexis Stewart's, Whatever, Martha.
"Hey, Mom. What were you thinking? Stilettos on a ladder at your age ?" Yep, that's mom in the leopard chair.

I'm NOT a Security Threat

2011-09-26T14:59:00.000-05:00

You'll be relieved to know, as was I, that Apache does not consider me a security threat...despite my blog entries. A very polite security officer, Jess Malone called this morning to inquire about my dissatisfaction with the company. I don't know if it will do any good to email him a list of grievances, but it is comforting to know that someone, somewhere is interested in my concerns.
Besides, I'm sure reading my email is better PR than having the beloved grandmother of ONLY, 40-plus year wife of honest CPA, PARTNER and mother of two upstanding citizens accused of recklessly venting her anger at Apache by writing funny things on her blog. Actually, I'm just part of a long line of folks in Garden City that are unhappy about all the recent drilling activity.
I am willing to give Apache the benefit of the doubt and retire my voodoo doll for a while. But only for a while...they did leave the gates open and trash lying around this weekend. Yeah, they scraped and bent up one of my road signs, too. They also blocked the road that runs around the perimeter of the ranch and left piles of brush lying around. I did already mention that they pre-empted the use of Bobwhite Way. Now there is a nice drop-off of the southern end of that road that was quite a thrill in the Mule. The big trucks didn't do to much for our roads, either. Other than that, it was a decent week.
You can be sure I'll let you know what Apache has planned, if anything, to ameliorate my pain.

It's a Girl!

2011-09-23T09:49:00.005-05:00

All this stress from Apache triggered the onset of labor. It was a bit premature, but I am the proud parent of Fashion Plate. Barbie and I are registered at http://www.yourfashionplate.blogspot.com. In lieu of gifts, we hope you will stop by Fashion Plate and enjoy photos of Barbie's retro fashions and recipes to tempt you into the kitchen.

Well, I'm Feeling Divine!

2011-09-22T18:00:00.000-05:00

Now that I have you stunned by my ability to cast a curse and perform voodoo rituals, I will further amaze you by letting you in on a real secret. Along with my other new ranch skills such as tractor driving, I have also mastered the art of dowsing. I can find underground water. Yep, I'm pretty blown away by this, too. Six years ago when we purchased the Diamond B, the water well driller showed me how to locate a site by holding an L-shaped metal rod in each hand. As a joke, PARTNER gave me my own set of copper dowsing sticks.
I was able to site a second water well. If I had displayed this talent in the days of Martin Luther, I would have been condemned for doing the work of the Devil...hence the name, water-witching. Fortunately, learned minds have moved forward, but the majority of the scientific world can find no clear evidence that dowsing works any better than random chance. All I can say is that when I get near underground water, those rods swing across each other to form an X. It is weird. Normally, stuff like that would keep me up at night as I am not into paranormal events. As scarce as water is in West Texas, I'm just focusing on the positive idea that somehow, I can find it. The great mind of Albert Einstein believed that the movement of the rods were the reaction of the human nervous system to certain factors. I think I'll hang with that explanation.
Anyway, we are about to drill another water well so my rods and I were out dowsing last weekend. The well driller met with PARTNER today and had the very same results as I. Bingo...right on my spot! Thanks to PARTNER, I have the photo of the driller's verification to prove it.

Voodoo To You, Apache!

2011-09-21T13:52:00.000-05:00

Apache Headache???

Okay, this is really getting ugly. Apache snuck in while my back was turned and started constructing roads and well sites. I didn't get a chance to move their markers. Oh, and by the way, they "needed" to extend Crab Cooker over our existing road...thereby obliterating part of Bobwhite Way. It just makes this crabby women boil over! I think the curses are not sufficient to retard men of their nefarious ilk. I'm on to voodoo.

Just a few more weeks of this and I'll have earned my scout badge.

Apache Declares War

2011-09-19T08:44:00.002-05:00

If you watched any vintage cowboy movies, you know the first sign of impending doom is when the lone Apache comes charging in and throws a lance in front of your homestead. Well, just look what I found on the property this weekend. Yes, this means WAR!!

Surveyors had spent two weeks looking for property
lines, when PARTNER gave them a copy of the survey
that WE had paid for. I mean, if they can't even find
the boundary markers on their own it doesn't say much for the brain power at work.
Don't think I'm going to take this in stride. I've figured out a way to stay within PARTNER's parameters of acceptable behavior and still outwit the interlopers. The center "lance" is where they plan to drill and it is surrounded by four other stakes 100 feet away in each direction. All I have to do is move the stakes. I'm thinking the well designated Crab Cooker could just move into the caliche pit and Rosebud would be happier on top of the large rock pile.
I do believe I can get away with this little slight of hand because folks who work in the oilfield are so dumb that they have to have plastic tape marking the way to each of the well sites. I guess they can't read maps. I will merely alter their route and soon they will be drilling two dry holes in the worst spots imaginable. Really, who needs land mines when you have innate genius?

Casting a Curse

2011-09-16T08:41:00.001-05:00

I thought it only fair to include the wicked folks who leased our land right out from under us, ie. the mineral right holders, in my rant. In fact, just a rant was too good for them. They deserve something even worse, as they initiated all of this mess with Apache. So, here is my best attempt at casting a curse.

My new personna

May these afflictions follow to the seventh son of the seventh son of whomsoever (Apache and the mineral rights holders) transgresses against the Diamond B Ranch:
IRS investigations, EPA lawsuits and OSHA compliance failures
Zombies, vampires and poltergeist hauntings
Boils, blemishes, shingles and poison ivy
Invasions of locusts, chiggers and red ants
Hail, dust storms and wind followed by monsoons
Rattlesnake bites and dysentery
Bankruptcy, personal injury lawsuits and $10 a gallon crude prices
Breaking drill bits, collapsing casings and the most expensive dry holes on record
And in case they survive all these calamities:

May your daughter marry a derelict and your son marry a pole-dancer. If that happens to be a family tradition, I guess you are already cursed.

I think this is rather good for my first try. For the small sum of $500, I will be glad to compose a suitable curse for your individual situation. Cash only. No guarantees implied. Find my new business at http://www.buyacurse.com.net/.

Apache Attack 2011

2011-09-15T11:38:00.001-05:00

Least favorite person.

Yes, it has been 115 years since the great Apache chief Geronimo surrendered. Unfortunately for me, the shoe is now on the other foot. It all began rather innocuously. The great white leader of the Apache Corporation, Roger Plank, decided to construct an encampment at the junction of Highway 158 and County Road 420. Not content to be held within in the bounds of the settlement, scouts soon spread out across Garden City. Slowly and inexorably, they crawled closer and closer to the Diamond B Ranch. Two weeks ago they performed a daring daylight raid on the sanctity of my property. At least I thought it was my property. As PARTNER informed me, "If you don't own the minerals rights, they can do as they please."

My new neighbors.

Well, it may not bother Roger Plank that my pristine ranch is about to be turned into a commercial enterprise, but it make me pretty darn mad...as in exorcist head-spinning mad. We have spent the last six years turning the ranch into a wildlife conservation area. In a matter of two weeks, it has morphed into a drilling site. If you have not been around an oilfield, you have no idea of the noise, traffic and inconvenience we are about to endure. Ultimately, we are left with a property that has uncontrollable access and dotted with "business" sites.
My plan was to don camo, so they couldn't see me and carry out a sniper assault on all persons and vehicles entering the property. PARTNER says I may absolutely NOT do any of the following:
1. Erect a tollgate.
2. Slash tires.
3. Purchase dynamite.
4. Install land mines.
5. Be a party to "accidental" shootings.
6. Throw rocks.
7. Release rattlesnakes, skunks or porcupines at the well sites.
8. Hurl invectives at employees.
As far as I'm concerned, PARTNER is a terrific killjoy and is sleeping (not literally) with the enemy. I want to sell the property and walk away before I have to deal with the angst and inconvenience. He says that it is not an option, either. I guess it's the Apache way or the highway for me.

How to Make Anything Look Smutty

2011-09-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

I'm just back from Austin where I attended an exhibit, Banned, Burned,Seized and Censored, at the Harry Ransom Center. It is an interesting look at America's conflict over literary censorship during the thirty years between world wars. Compared to what is on the Internet and television now, these "controversial" works were seemingly innocuous.
One of my favorite items in the exhibit was an interactive book of censored Mother Goose rhymes. Oh, there was nothing wrong with the rhymes as originally written. The author was just trying to make the point that blacking out one word in a sentence and allowing the reader to supply the missing word could lead to all sorts of joviality. I could have played with this all evening, but I had to move on. So, in case you can't make it to Austin before January, I will give you a condensed version of Mother Goose.
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater.
Had a wife and couldn't _____her.
He put her in a _____.
And there he _____ her very well.
Yes, I am terribly immature. Those of you who view life on a higher plane will find lots of great information, photos and posters to stimulate your brain. I mean, who can pass up a chance to see Diary of a Smut Hound ?

In Memory of 9/11

2011-09-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

In 2001, I made ONE and TWO a small quilt in honor of those who lost their lives on September 11th. I know they will eventually become just a part of history, but right now, it is still painful to look at them. Take some extra time this week and ponder how lucky we are to live in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Laboring Over Labor Day Weekend

2011-09-06T12:03:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of the holiday, I decided that it would be the perfect moment to give birth...to another blog. The response to the Barbie fashions has been very rewarding, so they are getting a home of their own. In a few weeks I will launch http://www.yourfashionplate.blogspot.com/. (aka Fashion Plate) It will have some great shots of Barbie's sixties fashions all loving hand-crafted by moi and some equally wonderful recipes that will relate to the featured fashions.

The website has been created and the postings will begin soon. I can hardly wait. Now Texas Jot will have a sibling with which to play and I will have twice as much work to do. Barbie has donned her apron and is in the kitchen baking up a storm, while I'm counting down to this delicious launch...

Elegy on the Opening of Hunting Season

2011-09-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

Your tools are safe within my reach.
I'd never rob a bank.
I pump and pay for gasoline
when I fill up my tank.

I buy a round when it's my turn
'cause my buddies like a drink.
I mow my grass. I pay my tax,
no matter what I think.

You'll find I never cheat at cards,
do chores without complaint.
When it comes to spending,
I always show restraint.

The boss says he'd like more like me.
My record's without taint.
So when you come right down to it,
I'm practically a saint.

But when the wind blows from the North
and days are getting shorter,
the Devil gets inside of me
and I will give no quarter.

Buck fever overtakes me.
My tracking skills check in.
With rifle, camo suit and Tinks,
I'm ready to begin.

I'll cut your fence. I'll shoot your game-
even out of season.
I don't care what the law may say.
I seem to loose all reason.

Too bad for those who fed the deer
and put up all those fences.
No trespassing? I laugh in scorn.
I'll outwit your defences.

That night outside the jiffy mart,
I'll park my pickup truck.
The gang will shout, "Oh, what a kill!"
"You've bagged a mega-buck!"

It's then reality sets in.
All eyes avert my own.
They recognize the drop tine buck
old Hester's raised and grown.

All turn away, they know the truth.
My story is not so kosher.
I am the sportsman's hated foe...
a dirty, no-good poacher.

Watch Wrinkles Disappear Within 90 Seconds!

2011-08-31T13:56:00.001-05:00

If you were one of the chosen...you probably received an unsolicited sample of Hydroxatone. I know you are dying to know how it worked. I could hardly wait to "see wrinkles disappear from view." The thought of "looking younger in the next 90 seconds" was overwhelming. "No facelifts. No surgery. No kidding." I hurried to my vanity to "smooth on a dab."

The results? I waited in anticipation of it "absorbing immediately into my skin...wrinkles would virtually disappear!" After only 90 seconds I had splotches on my face that looked like dried Elmer's glue and they were very difficult to remove. I guess the idea is that the rest of your face will look so horrible, no one will noticed your wrinkles. Quite a concept! Maybe I should sue for damages.
So as I have mentioned before...don't waste your money on any product with an X or Z in it's name...hydroxycut, enzyte, etc.

How To Get a Good, Safe Manicure

2011-08-30T08:39:00.001-05:00

In Texas, the most common violations in salons are:
1. Salon is not clean.
2. No photograph on license or no license.
3. Failure to keep a record of daily or weekly cleaning.
4. No law book on premises.
5. Multi-use implements not sterilized after each client...ooohh, that's nasty!
If that is not enough to scare you away from those mass production salons, things could still be going awry in your favorite salon.While the regulations are frequently amended, here are a few that your salon may or may not follow:
1. Your manicurist must sanitize her hands before each client.
2. Manicurist must clean the clients hands before beginning service.
3. Orangewood sticks are considered single-use items and should be discarded after each client.
4. There should be clean towels for each client.
5. Finger bowls for soaking polish must be cleaned after each client.
6. Fresh lotion and containers must be provided for each client.
So, what should you reasonably expect from your manicure?
1. You should have no hang nails, but the cuticle base should not be cut.
2. Your nails should be smooth and shaped in proportion to your hand size.
3. The appropriate emery boards (fine for natural nails) and products for your nail structure.
4. The nail bed should be completely covered with polish...no nail showing on sides or near cuticle.
5. Your polish should last a reasonable length of time without chipping. (5-7 days)
6. You should not be subjected to the manicurist's personal phone calls or in-house feuds.
7. Manicurist should call as soon as possible if they must cancel an appointment.

While you are busy critiquing your salon, don't forget to be a good client...be on time, stay off your phone except for emergencies and keep your appointments. These folks are self-employed. If you don't show or show-up late, you cost them money.

A Visit to the Spa at Joe James Salon

2011-08-29T08:18:00.001-05:00

Last fall, PARTNER kindly sent BEST and I to the Lake House Spa in Austin. We left there less than impressed. The facilities were immaculately clean, the staff pleasant and the relaxing Blue Room lovely, but it seemed that certainly there must be some facility closer to home and less expensive that could produce similar or better results. It has been on my list of "to dos" ever since. I finally made arrangements at Joe James Salon (a mere 8 blocks from my house) and waited for my day-long pampering.
I arrived at 8:45 and they took my lunch order, which came from the adjacent Harvest Cafe. I opted for a three cheese panini (with potato chips)..a far cry better than my low-cal veggie offerings and fat-free frozen yogurt at the Aster Cafe at LAS. Already this was looking good.
I filled out several forms in the darkened relaxation room and changed into the provided robe and slippers. My first treatments were with Danitza: an hour long Swedish massage, 15 minute steam shower, followed by a European facial. The list of facial and massage options is extensive and includes the oh-so-wonderful hot rocks. BEST and I had only facials and massages at LHS. This half-day experience in Austin, including the rabbit lunch and use of steam shower and/or pool was a whopping $365 each, gratuities included.
But hey, I'm in Midland now and I've just gotten started! For some reason, I am ravenous and devour my lunch in five minutes. Then on to my relaxing pedicure and manicure with Meg. I opted for the old fashioned polish, but they also do shellac, etc. It was only my shiny red nails and toes that kept me awake, but I rallied, as I still had hair and make-up to go. Stephanie scrubbed and massaged my scalp and tamed my hair until it was stick straight. Joe James gave his nod of approval and off I went to Kasey for the last of my Cinderella make-over. Best of all, I walked out of there relaxed, renewed and it was only three o'clock.

This entire day of wonderment at Joe James tallied around $245 plus gratuities and no travel expenses. Yes, I am planning a return engagement. They have Hershey's Cocoa Mud Wrap (60 min.@ $75), mini massages (30 minutes @ $45) hand and foot massages and deep tissue, which is great for those trouble areas. Oh, I am just melting at the thought of Danitza's massage....one of the best I ever had. It would make this entry way too long to list all the salon's services, but they have just about everything from waxing and sugaring to a dozen different types of facial (including services for men) to packages for all occasions, including group celebrations and bridal...even body bronzing for that sun-kissed glow.
I am happy that I was able to prove my theory that one can have a great spa experience without leaving town. (I know, it was a tough job, but someone had to do it.) For those of you who have already booked a stay in Austin, the good news is there is a doughnut shop on the right, shortly after you get back on the highway...before your six hour trip home.
Joe James Salon and Day Spa is located at 2101 W. Wadley #9 . Call 520-9441 or drop by to pick up a booklet with their menu of services. It is as tempting as chocolate cake!

Nostalgia Bites: Sequined Calendars

2011-08-25T11:59:00.002-05:00

I have recently received two catalogues that offer sequined calendar kits for sale. You know, the kind of year-long cloth calendar that hangs on the wall and looks worse with each passing month. I find it amazing that these bits of nostalgia live on.
One can't make notations on them, they don't fit in a briefcase or purse and they are tacky looking. So, my question is...Who is still buying these things? If you are even familiar with them, it is probably because you saw a similar item in your grandmother's or great-grandmother's kitchen. Somehow, I can't imagine baby boomers or generation Xers pursuing the pastime of gluing or sewing tiny sequins on pre-printed fabric.
If for some crazy reason this hobby does bring a nostalgic tear to your eye, you'll be happy to learn that the calendars are available for a nominal price at Mary Maxin. I guess the winters in Port Huron, Michigan can drive one to try many odd diversions. The selection includes rural scenes, birds and animals, florals, motorcycles and even a sequined-robed Jesus.

If there is anyone you want to gracefully eliminate from your annual holiday gift list, I suggest you assemble one of these calendars. Then make frequent trips to the recipient's house to insure it is being properly displayed. I bet next year they will suggest the gift exchange comes to a halt.

When He Forgets Your Wedding Anniversary

2011-08-23T08:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, for a day that didn't start out so great, I'm now falling off my chair with laughter. It is my wedding anniversary and by all indications, PARTNER has forgotten that we walked down the aisle 42 years ago today.
So, I'm just randomly searching the Internet for "forgotten anniversary" and I stumble across all kinds of amazing advice and consolation. This informative tidbit comes from Dr. Karen Sherman from the website, "hitched'". According to the credits, she has been a practicing psychologist for over 20 years. Maybe she needs a little more practice and some writing lessons.

"...women tend to think if a man forgets something special like an anniversary, it means he doesn't care. Of course, if that's your belief, you're going to feel hurt and hurt leads to anger. However, from his point of view(I'm sure she is eluding to the point on the top of his head.) he didn't see it as anything more than forgetting a date and was probably insulted that you question his feelings for you. Additionally, it's been my experience that when a women gets upset emotionally, most men become uncomfortable and will accuse her of over-acting."
Now, that's what I call counseling. Wouldn't you love to be on her couch? Now for the remedy...

"Since research has shown (really???) that men's brains do not pick up hints, let him know directly about a week or two before your anniversary, that your anniversary is, in fact coming up. You can continue to be cute by sending an e-mail with a countdown."

Don't you just love being cute?!!!! I'm just not sure a countdown is enough. What about an add in the newspaper? Maybe hire a billboard? Better yet, how about a reminder shoe polished on his vehicle?

So ladies, unless we want to become his secretary of important dates, I guess we just take our little irrational emotions and set them aside to spare our loving spouse any displeasure for being a dunderhead. My highly immature solution is to ignore his birthday next year. You know, it's not that you FORGOT...your brain can't be bothered by such trivia. I know he won't take it personally.

Scariest Makeup Mirrors in the World

2011-08-22T08:34:00.000-05:00

I just thought I had purchased the world's scariest makeup mirror when I plugged in my new image clarifier at the ranch. It offered 10x daylight with 360 degrees of fluorescent lighting. This mirror made my face look plaster of Paris: dry and cracked. I was thinking that on the plus side, I had to look better in person than I did in this mirror. If not, small children would run screaming to their mothers. Clocks would stop and just maybe the world would stop spinning on its axis. I mean, aging is one thing. This was total decomposition of the face.

Then I purchased another mirror for "my" room at ONLY's house. I can't believe that it was even more terrifying than the ranch mirror. This featured 15x daylight with a central, eye-piercing light that was so bright I had to cover it up with a band-aid. Can you relate to craters on the moon? What about hairy craters on the moon with brown spots thrown in? This mirror was diabolical! I'm thinking these instruments of low self-esteem must be part of a plot by dermatologists and surgeons to drive us to facial manipulation. I'm wondering what group of misogynists owns this Floxite Mirror Company. Maybe a Texan should have known better than trusting her image to a company based in New Jersey.

How to Clean Velcro

2011-08-19T16:47:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why this should cost $5.95, but it works like a charm to remove odd threads and lint on kids' shoe Velcro. In fact, anything that has a Velcro closure would benefit from this ingenious bit of low-tech machinery. Wish I had invented it!
I have tried toothpicks, tweezers, another piece of Velcro and a fine-tooth comb, but I find this much easier.
If you're getting things washed up for back-to-school, remember to close the hook and loop tape closures before washing and that will eliminate a lot of the lint and crud accumulating on the tape.
Hmmm...It has me thinking. I sure do miss those reminders of approaching September: a new lunch box and days of the week underwear.

Oilfield Trash

2011-08-18T09:33:00.000-05:00

What I am on a rampage about today is the amount of garbage the oilfield folks are tossing along country roads. The area surrounding the ranch has become a dumping grounds for all types of food containers, cans and bottles. Sure, we used to get our share of beer cans tossed by the local teens, but since the drilling has escalated, the trash has quadrupled. This past weekend we picked up a 45-gallon trash bag full (PARTNER really packs it in.) and an additional lawn and garden size trash bag. We only cleaned one side of less than two miles of road fronting our property.

It gave me great insight into our litterers. They drink cheap beer...Keystone Light and energy drinks and smoke Marlborough Lights. I was flabbergasted to find so many tossed cigarette butts along the roadside, considering the incredible fire danger we have been under. These folks eat lots of burritos and like Vienna sausages. Maybe the name "oilfield trash" really applies to them, too. Nothing like a few drunk drivers in over-sized vehicles tossing out lit cigarettes! What are they thinking?

Following in the tradition of those old-fashioned Burma Shave signs that dotted the highways of yesteryear, I have erected my own red and white signs along the county road bordering the ranch.

Your drink is gone.

Your thirst is quenched.

Your can is drained

and there's the fence.

To toss or not

you can't decide.

Give the land a break.

Take your can for a ride.

It doesn't seem to be slowing down the garbage flow, but it does give me some satisfaction in calling the oilfield workers to task for their littering. (Doesn't PARTNER look happy?...amazingly, this wasn't his idea.)

The Good and the Bad at the Diamond B Ranch

2011-08-14T16:59:00.000-05:00

The good news is that we finally had RAIN...as in over an inch. It was the first measurable rainfall in more than 300 days. We are thrilled. Unfortunately, the storms knocked out the electricity. Nothing like tossing out the refrigerated items you had just restocked the week before!
We have also had a problem with the pumps on two of the tanks. Obviously, with the lack of rain, if the pump doesn't run, there is no water in the tanks and the fish go belly-up. We seem to have a spoilage theme going. Of course, the auxiliary generator might have affected the pumps, so we had to purchase a new one. (Just in case it was the culprit.) It was not and now we own two generators.

Enough of a fun weekend for you? We were also invaded by moths. On a gasoline (for the generators) run to Big Spring, I checked out the local Tru-Value Hardware for some moth traps. Another mistake. Obviously, women who work in hardware stores in small towns think "Mau...th Traps" are beyond comprehension, but quite fun to shout about at the top of one's lungs. They suggested an electronic bug zapper. Wouldn't that be attractive hanging in the ranch house?! At least it provided some humor to a Saturday of rotting fish and food and a water shortage.

Oh yea, we missed a birthday party, too. Happy birthday, Lori!

My Worst Microwave Messes

2011-08-12T09:49:00.001-05:00

Is this your oven? Found it on Google.

I must be in a real cleaning mode, what with the search for crumbs last week and now the mega microwave messes. I do have a bit of a fetish about a CLEAN microwave oven. There is no way I'm going to even boil water in that contraption if there is food clinging to the upper regions or grease on the walls. I've found that my biggest microwave food nemeses are:
1. chili/spaghetti - just about anything with a tomato base will do a number on the microwave.
2. popcorn - make sure the bag is correct side up and don't leave the popping corn for a minute. When the pops get more than a few seconds apart, the popcorn starts to burn...and what a stench left in the microwave, burned or not.
3. butter - I love to melt butter in the microwave, but it spatters like crazy.
4. white chocolate- even more so than regular chocolate, white chocolate will burn in the blink of an eye. You can only semi-melt it and stir until the rest of it softens. If it burns even slightly, you cannot save it.
5. baked beans, etc. - any form of dried beans in sauce forms hard-core stalactites on the oven's ceiling.
6. potato - I honestly believe the potato and the microwave cannot co-exist. Either it will make a starchy explosion (despite pricking holes) or it will never, ever, ever cook all the way through.
Please feel free to add to my list. I'd love to read about your experiences. Misery loves company.

PARTNER has a difficult time grasping the concept of covering things with waxed paper before you place them in the microwave. This miracle product will eliminate splattering of tomato and bean products, as well as butter. If someone at your house has the ill-conceived notion that as long as something fits in the microwave it is safe to nuke, then you too will be faced with trying to remove grease and food from the microwave's interior. For minor spills, a cleaner with bleach will do the trick, but you'll have to follow up with something like Windex to remove the streaks. If the oven is a pit, then you need to place a quart size pan of water with 2 teaspoons baking soda, along with a wooden spoon or skewer and cook for 3-5 minutes. Leave the door closed for another five minutes to steam off the crusty bits. After you clean off the worst of it, resort to the bleach cleaner and Windex shine. If you make popcorn at night and don't want to be blasted by the smell the next morning, try leaving the door of the microwave open overnight. If you need to clear the odor immediately, cut up some citrus slices in a bowl of water. Heat for about 3 minutes.

My parting shot on microwave messes must include the phenomena known as superheating. When you heat just plain water in the microwave, the water can heat faster than bubbles can form. If the water doesn't bubble, it can't release the built up heat. Any movement of the cup, like trying to take it out of the microwave, can make the bubbles rise so rapidly that the water "explodes". I know this sounds like an urban legend, but I checked it out with MythBusters and those guys wouldn't lie. To avoid this phenomenon:
1. avoid new mugs or cups - after some scratching has occurred it enables bubble formation
2. stick a wooden spoon, skewer or coffee stirrer in the water- this diffuses the pent up energy
3. add tea or sugar before microwaving
4. use tap water rather than distilled - tap water has impurities that keep it from superheating
5. allow heated water to rest in the microwave for a few minutes before removing the cup

MDA Telethon: Will the Real Jerry Lewis Please Step Forward

2011-08-10T10:41:00.001-05:00

I grew up watching Jerry Lewis movies. This is understandable, since the slap-stick, nonsense of silly voices and zany faces would appeal to the immature or the French; who considered him worthy of the French Legion of Honor (1984) for his "comic artistry." Although Lewis' career began at the tender age of five, it wasn't until he was paired with crooner Dean Martin that his fortunes began to rise. From 1949-1956 they partnered in sixteen movies. During that period, they also had a successful four-year run on NBC radio.
Setting a precedent for failed relationships, he and Martin parted way in a widely publicized breakup. Lewis married in 1945, divorced in 1980, married again in 1983 and is in the process of another break-up with the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. As for his failed female relationships, Lewis is quoted, "Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands." "I think of her (woman) as a producing machine that brings babies into the world." When his performance was unfavorably critiqued by the now editor-in-chief of the Victoria Times (Canada), Linda Chodan, he countered, " You can accept one individual's (opinion) particularly is it's female...when they get a period it's really difficult for them to function as normal human beings." As to his his other failed relationships, this snippet might shed some light. "People hate me because I am a multi-faceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius." I mean, what's not to love?
When the MDA telethon began in 1952 in New York City, Lewis was named national chairperson. Then in 1953, he and Dean Martin appeared on the first coast-to-coast broadcast lasting two hours. While managing to raise over one billion dollars during the last fifty plus years, not all these funds directly emanated from tote board pledges. Most of the funds are raised during the course of normal fundraising events and then tallied into the totals for the live event. There is some speculation whether Jerry's exclusion from this year's telethon and shortened time-frame will harm or benefit the event. Lewis was to have appeared just as the closer, singing his swansong rendition of "You'll Never Walk Alone." The eighty-five-year old is being replaced by a Biggest Loser and an Idol...how appropriate!

Good with kids?

Over the years, Lewis' fundraising tactics have been criticized by the very community he is supposed to championing. From his on-air faux pas to his insulting comment while holding up a child with MD , "God goofed and it's up to us to correct His mistakes." When people with disabilities complained of his pandering to stereotypes, his replay was. "Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house." At a time when the talk finally turned to freedom and access, many questioned his apparent lack of understanding.
Although Lewis was never paid for his telethon appearances, over the years it has generated much good will and publicity for him. He has spent 900 hours on an event billed with his name, The Jerry Lewis Telethon and the term Jerry's Kids is part of the vernacular. So why are they now killing the fatted calf? Lewis' ability to gracefully run the telethon has dwindled. While I'm sure MDA is more than grateful for his hard work, they are also a business whose business it is to raise funds and awareness. They are the world's largest non-governmental sponsor of research for neuromuscular diseases and run the most comprehensive service program of any US nonprofit. (3/4 of all funds raise go directly toward programs.) It would have been great if Jerry could have "sung" his song and walked off into the sunset, but it won't end that way. Right now, neither party is talking. MDA states that even though he won't be appearing on the telethon, Jerry is still the national chairperson. While there is speculation about the state of Jerry's health, aging and ego-related issues, we will have to wait for his side of the story. Lewis has announced that he will have an international press conference to comment on his lack of appearance, after the event. I hope he bows out gracefully so we can be left with memories of G-rated movies for kids and funds raised for a worthy cause and not focus on all the Jerry-phernalia that went along with it.

Pantyhose Revisited: Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

2011-08-08T09:05:00.005-05:00

(I find it surprising that my all-time most popular blog entry has been Mourning the Death of Pantyhose from March 18, 2011. If you haven't read, give it read...along with the astronomical number of others who have enjoyed it. Now for the update...)
It is with no small delight that I am able to announce that pantyhose are on the rise, both literally and figuratively! Thanks to the Duchess of Cambridge (Kate to her friends), women in England are once more clamoring for sheer pantyhose, or tights as they are referred to there. According to reports, there has been a 30% increase in high-end tight sales.
Although the official royal website states that there is no longer a dress code, in a way it is like your own household. If mama isn't happy...nobody is happy. You can take your chances on what you wear to Ascot, but you're not getting in the royal box unless you've abided by the Queen's rules: Hats, no cleavage, no mini skirts, no halter tops, no off the shoulder, no bare midriffs and straps on dresses must be at least 1-inch wide. Okay, so while there may be no official royal dress code, one is expected to follow the dictates of royal dress protocol or be removed from the premises.
So, that brings us to the glamorous Duchess and her closed-toe shoes and sheer tights. Well, she just looks lovely, sexy and sophisticated. Those benefits aside, pantyhose cover up a plethora of sins such as minor stubble, dry, peeling skin, aging legs and a bad self-tanning job. Right here I should mention that pantyhose will not disguise totally hairy legs. Your unshaven limbs will look like there are tiny hair worms trapped under a film of shiny nylon.
I hope American women will embrace the English return to pantyhose. Unless you are under 18, bare legs with dress clothes look tacky. It is too bad we don't have a sophisticated fashion icon in this country instead of basing our fashion on the vagaries of dubious Hollywood celebrities. Really, you want to look like Paris Hilton? Don't count on our First Lady, Michelle O'Bama, for bringing all those dropouts from civility back into the fold. She doesn't like pantyhose because, "they are uncomfortable and they rip." How lazy can you get? Maybe she should try the Queen-size version and act like a grown-up.
Do world civilization a favor and buy some pantyhose today. Your mother would like it and so would your grandmother. While you're out there, buy a slip, too.

"Really, Kate, I don't think that's what the Queen had in mind when she suggested you always wear tights."

No Periods In Romance Novels

2011-08-02T08:38:00.006-05:00

As you can see by some of the books I've been reading, I've devoured my share of Regency Romance novels this summer. I have been introduced to numerous dashing Dukes (who knew there were so many?) and countless downtrodden, spoiled or misunderstood young maidens. What have I learned from all this? None of these women EVER had a menstrual period. I find this quite amazing. No cramps, no bloating, no bleeding and no emotional upsets? Somewhere during the Regency Period (1811-1820) there must have been a female dealing with these monthly woes.
Of course, since it wasn't a concern of men, except for the sexual inconvenience...there doesn't seem to be much in the way of historical records to indicate methods of personal hygiene. The medical profession was sketchy to say the least. Patent medicines, superstition and quackery abounded. I can ascertain that during this era, there were no commercial belts (appeared the mid-1800's) or disposable pads, which arrived by the late 1800's. The general historical consensus is that the ladies of the day didn't wear anything special and just went about their business, leaving their soiled clothes for the lackeys the clean. (No panties at this time in history, either.)
Considering the cost of clothing, the fact that garment cleanings were few and far between and the frequency with which one wore the same attire, to say nothing of the modesty of the time, I have a hard time accepting this evaluation. I can only surmise that since U.S. women at the beginning of the 20th century were using rags, it just might have been commonplace in the 1800's, too. Of course, life was a little easier for those women of looser character. It seems mistresses, showgirls and actresses not only had access to birth control, but also methods of dealing with their monthly flux. Obviously, information flowed more freely among these women who depended upon their bodies to make a living.
So, what is all this leading up to? I think I may have found my niche...novels about women who actually have periods. Here is an excerpt from my most recent attempt at accurate Regency romance, Miranda's Menstrual Woes.

Miranda pulled her head out from under the covers and moaned.
"Get me a hot brick and some cocoa, right now! And get this fire going. I'm freezing."
Darcy turned toward Miranda, seeing her normal golden curls in a tangled mess and a look of disdain on her face.
"Yes, mam. I'll be right back."
Darcy trudged down the servants' staircase, holding her hand against her aching back. She had been up for hours, unable to get comfortable on the cold floor. After checking that Miranda was still asleep, she crept silently up the the servants' quarters and performed her morning ablutions. This morning she was hampered by the return of her flux. Wrapping an old apron around her body like a baby's diaper, she added some rags and washed the tell-tale spots from her dress. As she descended to the kitchen, she was greeted by a steamy blast of air. It was a welcome relief from the chill of the rest of the house.
"Miss Miranda would like a hot brick and some cocoa."
The cook, Mrs. Brewster, did not acknowledge her request, but set a pan upon the burner and began heating the milk.
"I"ll just grab a quick cup of tea while I'm waiting." said Darcy.

She sat there in the warmth of the kitchen, relishing her few blissful moments of rest. Just as the chill began to melt away, Mrs. Brewster flung open the back door and stood there taking in large gulps of the icy air. Her face was bright red and covered with sweat. Darcy had witnessed this on more than one occasion, but knew better than to inquire about her health. Mrs. Brewster had snapped off her head the last she had tried.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Brewster was feeling some relief as the air surrounded her over-heated body. She trembled slightly, worrying what these sudden attacks could mean. It was as if the devil was trying to possess her body. No matter how hard she prayed, the demon was always there.

Dibs on the red cushion!

Upstairs, in her lovely room swathed in blue moire, Miranda was sulking. It just wasn't fair. The Duke of Shandlee had offered a ride in his new phaeton and she was so looking forward to seeing the jealous glances she would receive when they drove through Hyde Park. If only she would feel less nauseous by this afternoon. She wondered if she would even fit into her gown for Almack's tonight. Last month, her decolletage was practically swollen up to her chin! In a fit of pique, she threw her latest Jane Austen novel across the room and knocked her favorite Meissen statue off the mantle. It was the last straw. Miranda was in engulfed in tears when Darcy returned to her room with the hot brick and cocoa.

As he stood on the landing, Horace, the Langston family butler, sighed. Did every woman in the world have her monthlies at the same time? The house would be in a state of upset for the entire week. The housekeeper, Minerva, had already chastised him twice this morning and the day had hardly begun. Loyal as he was to the Langston's, Horace's thoughts drifted to the peace and quiet of a bachelor's residence.

Check out my other books at inthered.com.net.org.
Prudence Passes Through Puberty
Constance's Curse
Melissa's Monthly Madness
Lady Compton Has the Blues
and coming soon
Hester's Hotflashes

Lowe's Is No Home Improvement: The Saga of My Samsung Refrigerator

2011-08-01T09:21:00.001-05:00

It is a simple task, buying a refrigerator. You plunk down your credit card and Lowe's delivers a shiny, new Samsung refrigerator to your house the next day. After two hours taking out the old refrigerator, removing two sets of doors and installing the new unit, I am ready for action... after it cools down for 24 hours. Oh, but alas! There is a ding in the top of the door.
L:"Don't worry! We'll send out a replacement door. We will call you to set up the appointment."
Three weeks later...
"Hi, I purchased a refrigerator three weeks ago and the door was damaged. They were supposed to arrange for a new door to be delivered, but I haven't heard from anyone."
L: "There is nothing in the computer.:
"But I have this paper that says the door was damaged on delivery and they would swap it out."
L: "Okay, I will set up the delivery, but it will be three weeks."
"Three weeks! I've already waited three weeks and all I need is a new door."
L: "Well, we had a big sale and we have lots of deliveries."
"Okay," says I and march to the manager's desk.
"Hi, I purchased a refrigerator the first week of May and it had a defective door. The delivery personnel said they would send someone out to replace the door, but it has been three weeks and they haven't shown up. I just talked to the salesman in appliances and he said it would be another three weeks before they could replace the door. Can you help me?"
L: "Well, the sales department doesn't know anything about deliveries. I'll call the service department." (I stand and wait.) "They can deliver the new door on Thursday afternoon."
"Thank you. I appreciate your help."
L: (Thursday evening) "Mrs. Brune, we cannot deliver your door today because we are in Big Spring and we are about to exceed the maximum number of hours that we can drive the truck. Can we deliver this tomorrow?"
"Okaaay, but I need it before noon."
Surprise, no one shows. I'm in the store on Monday morning.
"May I speak to Chad, please? ....Hi, remember me? I'm the lady with the damaged refrigerator door. It was not replaced. Can you help me.?"
L: "I just talked to the service department and they will bring your new door this morning."
I return home to wait. At 11:50 Lowe's rings the bell!
L: "Your door is all installed."
"Thanks. It looks much better....except that there is a ding in the bottom of this door."
L: "I'll make a note that we need to order another door."
Smoke is escaping from the top of my head.
"Hello, Chad. The refrigerator door they delivered is damaged."
L: "Let me see if we can order another unit. Hmmm....I wonder if they have discontinued this item. Tell you what, I'll call you and let you know what I discover."
Two weeks later...
"Is Chad there? No, well I need to speak to a manager."...."Hello Russell. Chad has been helping me with a damaged refrigerator door that I need to get replaced. Can you tell me the status of this?"
L: "I'll check it out and call you back." Only a few minutes later..."We should have some in by Monday and they will bring it out on Wednesday morning."
"Thank you...ahhh, they will call and verify that, won't they?"
L: (Wednesday morning) "Mrs. Brune, we will be swapping out that refrigerator door today."
"Thank you, I can hardly wait."
Six pm on Wednesday, I call Lowes. "This is Mrs. Brune. I had a delivery scheduled this morning and they have not arrived."
L: "Oh, the refrigerator was damaged, so they didn't take it on the truck."
...."and you didn't call me?"
Next day.
"Russell, I am REALLY tired of dealing with this. Please help me resolve this problem."
L: "I'll check on it and call you back."
Silly Lowes...they called back on a day I was gone and they had to talk to PARTNER. Upshot...they are ordering me a whole new refrigerator. I wait two more weeks. No communication. I call Russell.
"Russell, this is Mrs. Brune. Where is my refrigerator?"
L: "We should have it in on Monday or Tuesday and we will deliver it Thursday this week."
"Thank you."
Not taking any chances, I storm Lowes on Wednesday morning.
"Russell has been helping with a damaged refrigerator."
L: "Russell isn't in until noon. Let me see if I can help you.:
(At this moment, I am encouraged. I am dealing with another woman.) I calmly explain the comedy of errors.
L: "You mean you've been dealing with this since the first week of May?"
She collars the manager on duty and calls delivery.
L:"It IS here and WILL be delivered on Thursday."
...."and they will call me in the morning if anything is wrong?"
Miracles of miracles...it actually shows up first thing Thursday morning and is undamaged.
I spend an hour removing all the groceries from the appliance and cram them into another freezer and refrigerator. They spend two hours removing the new/damaged refrigerator, removing two door and installing the new refrigerator. (Do I know where the shut off valve is for the R/O water?)

It is finally in my house and running. Oh yeah, I forgot. It is another twenty minutes work for me to take all the tape and packing out of the refrigerator.
Then 48 hours of machinations to activate the ice-maker. (Didn't I just do this in May?) And oh, how nice...the delivery guys left me another mess to clean on the doors.
Well, here it is a week later...yes it is August...and the ice and water are now flowing. My condiments are resting comfortably in their new home. I'm at peace with the world...except for one little thing. My refrigerator seems to to making a lot of excess noise. My dinged-door refrigerator didn't do that. Do I dare call Lowe's and wait another three months for repair?

This saga of incompetence continues...Monday I got a call from Lowe's delivery. "Mrs. Brune, we have a refrigerator delivery scheduled for this Thursday. Didn't we already take care of that?"
I was momentarily tempted to say,"NO."

Crummy Crumbs: Looking for Hametz

2011-07-29T10:52:00.001-05:00

Not recommended cleaning method.

Could I have possibly been Jewish in another life? Forget just the ritual cleaning for Passover, I am constantly looking for all those little crumbs (hametz in Hebrew) that make a home in my house. I can understand how crumbs of bread come to live in the toaster. Toaster manufacturers have even planned for this eventuality by including removable sliders at the bottom of the toaster. Perhaps you didn't you know such a thing existed? Or maybe you shake the toaster upside-down over the trash or perhaps, you don't care what is living in your toaster.
After the obvious toaster crumb removal, there comes the bits that have fallen between the chair and couch cushions. How could a person as fastidious as myself have a thriving crumb colony in her furniture? I'm am going to blame this on my personal couch eater, PARTNER. Please feel free to throw the blame at anyone living in your home, including pets. I found the DustBuster is your best friend when it comes to furniture crumb cleaning.

Now, to the greatest mystery of life...crumbs in the utensil drawers. When I had children at home, this was a no-brainer. Since PARTNER and I are now the sole occupants of the house, I can no longer blame the crumb crimes on the children. I'm not too sure PARTNER knows where all the utensils are stored and he certainly hasn't been setting out the flatware, so I've come to the conclusion that my house and ranch are either haunted by a cracker-eating revenant or an untidy alien. Either way, it's ordinary manual labor with a damp paper towel to remove these nasty, unwelcome guests. Amazingly, despite my diligence,they always return the following week.

Peek-A-Boo Peach Tart

2011-07-28T10:07:00.000-05:00

This recipe is sort of a peach melba in a tart form.
5 ounces sliced almonds
Process these in food processor about one minute until the nuts form crumbs. Set aside.
crust
1 1/4 cups flour
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup ground almonds
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Combine in mixer until crumbly. Press into the sides of an eleven inch tart pan with 1 inch sides. If you have a tart tamper or roller, this will help distrubute the crust. Prick the bottom of the crust and place in freezer for 15 minutes. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Remove from oven and press the bottom crust flat.
In the microwave, heat the preserves for twenty second and stir until smooth.
1/2 cup seedless raspberry preserves
Carefully spread the preserves over the hot crust.

Take 9 peach halves and drain throughly on a paper towel. I needed to use part of two, 29 ounce cans of O'sage Peaches in heavy syrup. You can use fresh peaches, but make sure they are sweet. Remove as much moisture as you can from the peaches. Set aside.
filling
3 tablespoons butter
Microwave for 15 seconds. Add:
2/3 cup granulated sugar
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
2 eggs
2 teaspoons flour
3/4 cup ground almonds
Pour filling over raspberry layer and top with peach halves. Sprinkle with coarse white sugar or demarara sugar. Bake at 350 degrees for an additional 40 minutes. It is best served the same day.

Disgusting Hairbrush: Beware of Fallout

2011-07-27T09:14:00.000-05:00

Why does a hairbrush with hair stuck in the bristles look so disgusting? It gives me goose-flesh to see hair collecting in my brush, but it is even yuckier to clean the brush and be left with a wad of strands worthy of a rat's nest.
When I went in search of an image illustrating this gross occurrence, I found only one photo of a hair-laden hairbrush on the Internet. When you think of the uncensored garbage and pornography that is there for public consumption, you begin to understand the magnitude of this revulsion. It must be one of the universal truths that no one can stomach viewing her tresses lying lifeless in a hairbrush.

So, do I congratulate the owner of said brush for flaunting the ugly side of life or do I pity her for her complete and utter degradation? Turn away if you have a weak stomach...

Furries Give Me the Creepies

2011-07-25T09:22:00.001-05:00

Photo credit to ONE, as spotted in her town.

I know it is difficult to believe, but there is a whole contingent of folks who get their jollies by dressing up in animal suits. I don't know if this is motivated by shyness, some kinky sex-drive or the inability to outgrow Halloween. I mean, it's one thing to throw on the old mascot suit and give a cheer for the home team, but to walk around in anthropomorphic glory as a hobby seems quite bizarre.

I didn't think this would be much of an attraction in warm climates, but they recently had a convention (The Furry Fiesta) in Dallas. It is just hard to imagine donning a fur suit in 90 degree weather with 99 percent humidity. Talk about your own personal sauna. Can you imagine the odor? I wonder what it cost to have those outfits dry cleaned? Do they still have One Hour Martinizing? If not, does one own a spare suit? No wonder furries love Mountain Dew. You'd need a little caffeine buzz to keep you going.

For those new initiates who can't afford full-body attire or are just testing the waters, there is the option of ears and tails with "regular" clothes. I'll be the first to admit that I love wearing my cat ears on Halloween because they keep my hair out of my eyes while I'm handing out candy, but PARTNER has never said, "Could you just keep those on for a few more hours? I find them very erotic." Besides, by ten o'clock, I find they have given me a headache.

It's a Small World After All!

2011-07-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

Visiting Disneyland many years ago, I had the misfortune of riding through the Small World exhibit. While I applaud the theme of world peace, I'm telling you, I was ready to commit murder if they didn't stop playing that song over and over and over, again.

"It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all

It's a small, small world"

Every once in a while the refrain will stick in my brain. I spend days of agony trying to drive it from my memory bank. If you shared this misfortune, you can rejoice in the fact that I know your pain.
My Small World was discovered when I hit the Stats button on my blog. Wow!

" How are y'all doin' out there? "

I had no idea there were so many different countries tuning into the blog. Of course, folks from all over the United States, United Kingdom, Australia and Canada...English speaking countries are not surprising, but never-the-less a delightful audience. I am stunned that I have lots of fans in Germany, Russia, and the Netherlands. I want to give a big shout out to those who check in from India, Italy, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Romania, Singapore, Ukraine and Turkey, too.
Thanks to all of you who take the time to read Texas Jot. I would be lost on a Russian blog. I'm impressed with your language skills and hope that you enjoy the recipes and reading about my life in Texas.

"Y'all come back now, ya' here?!"

Selecting The Right Chandelier: It's Not Over Your Head

2011-07-19T08:43:00.005-05:00

Math, not being one of my strong points, I usually avoid all things with numbers and formulas. Unfortunately, sometimes one just has to bite the bullet and do some simple sums and measuring. There are several ways to determine the correct size for a dining chandelier.

How to hang? First, use you instincts. Your guests must be able to see each other across the table. This means that your fixture should hang no lower than 30 inches from the top of the table. The usual range is 30-32", escalating to36 inches. It also needs to be dangling at least 2 feet from the ceiling, assuming 8 foot ceilings and adding 3 inches for each additional foot of ceiling height. Sometimes narrow rooms are a problem. Be sure to keep you chandelier a minimum of 4 feet away from any walls.
How wide? You have two options here. You can use the 12 inches less than the width of the table or 3/4 width of the table, but don't worry about an inch or two excess. You do not want a skimpy chandelier. I like the formula that adds the length and width of one set of walls (ex. 16+18) and the total yields the correct diameter for your lighting (34) ...just like magic.

How tall? The rule of thumb is 2 1/2 to 3 inches of height per foot of room height. If your ceiling height is over 9 feet, you will probably need a two-tiered chandelier.

What if I have a really long table? Two chandeliers are in order. Divide the length of your table by three. Set the fixtures between the first and second third and the second and final third. For example, an 18 foot table would have chandeliers centered at 6 and 12 feet from the head of the table.

How much wattage? Take the square footage of the space and multiply it by 1.5 watts. Okay, here goes the math... 12x10 room equals 120 square feet x 1.5 =100 watts. If your ceilings are over 9 feet, you need to up the 1.5 watts to 2.0 watts and do the math. Select your light bulbs to give you the desired wattage. You also need to take into consideration the amount of natural light your room receives and whether you have any supplemental recessed lighting. My biggest tip for your lighting? Invest in a dimmer switch.

I think the worst mistake people make is purchasing a fixture that is too small. Everything looks large in the store, but large soon becomes dinky when it is actually hanging in your dining room. As long as your guest can move around the room with ease and seat themselves without colliding with the lighting, you are probably okay. As far as style goes...it's up to you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless you plan to take the chandelier with you when you move, keep resale in mind.

Japan Attacks US, Eye-Witness to Two Miracles and Is Her Warranty Still Valid?

2011-07-18T08:48:00.000-05:00

Safely ensconced on Axis soil, Japan submarined the US, thus sinking our hopes for a World Cup Victory. It was Pearl Harbor all over again. Who says history doesn't repeat itself?

On the homefront, I witnessed two miracles at the Diamond B Ranch. It rained for the first time since December and PARTNER actually read the instruction manual for the pool pump.

To a more insightful note. Did the woman who drugged her husband, cut off his pride and joy and toss it in the garbage disposal void her disposal warranty? Would that be considered garbage or raw meat?

(As you can tell by today's entry, I am considering a career with the National Inquirer.)

My Dream Date With Walter Matthau

2011-07-14T10:52:00.000-05:00

Any normal person would have a dream about a handsome hunk, but no, not me. I conjured up a date with late Walter Matthau, bulldog-face man. He was in a tuxedo (didn't help) and I was trying to select an appropriate evening ensemble from a rack of slightly used retro clothing. While Walter's friends were solicitously supplying me with ice and drinks (which I didn't want), I was trying to fix a drooping sequin fleur-de-lis on the front of my polyester pantsuit.
W: " My dear, you seem to have something black all over your face."
Me, looking in the mirror: "Oh, it's only these darn sequins. They keep falling off my outfit." Falling off would be a misnomer here, these things are embedded in my skin. I try peeling them away, only to find they have left bright red pock-marks upon my facial features.

Everyone I tell about this dream has the same reaction; "Walter Matthau???!!!" ...followed by gales of laughter. Yeah, it's only funny if I hasn't happened to you.
My Freudian analysis of this dream is as follows:
1. I am very happily married. I couldn't even cheat on PARTNER in a dream. Next to Boy George, Walter Matthau is probably the last person to cause jealousy. I am practically a saint.
2. I need some new clothes...black, cocktail items.
3. My face IS getting lines and wrinkles. I am no longer young.

My practical analysis of the nightmare is: don't eat too much dark chocolate right before bedtime or Walter might begin to look like this...

Immaculate's Conception vs Pillsbury's Dough Boy

2011-07-13T17:20:00.000-05:00

Just when I was thinking I could make a quick million if I developed a refrigerated cinnamon roll that didn't taste soggy and artificial, I came across the Immaculate Baking Company's canned sweet rolls. These leave the Dough Boy in the dust as far as taste, texture and overall results. They are just yummy...and they stay yummy and fresh til the next day, if they last that long.

The company also make several different flavors of cookie dough, which TWO purchased from a neighbor's child. The cookies, oatmeal and chocolate chip, got a big thumbs up! Not only are their products delicious, they offer fund-raising options and are especially interested in bringing the arts to children. You can even apply online to have cookies donated for your arts related fundraiser.
I'm all about getting in the kitchen and cooking up a storm, so when I endorse a refrigerated bakery product, you know it has to be extremely good. I found my rolls at HEB in Midland (which sell out of frequently) but there is a store locator on the Immaculate's website for those of you not in HEB territory. You'll send the Dough Boy into retirement after you try these. I can't wait to try the cookies, biscuits and scones.

Channeling Coco Chanel

2011-07-11T10:23:00.001-05:00

There is a distinct possibility that I may have mentioned it before, but my appointed grandma name is Coco. I have been reassured by TWO that it is due to my fashion proclivities, love of chocolate and all things French that she arrived at this appellation...rather than my disposition, political leanings and certainly not because of my love for costume jewelry. Diamonds are forever a girl's best friend.
Of course, there was complete family disgruntlement when ONLY gurgled my name, second only to the cat, Eddie. Unfortunately, it sounded more like "cuckoo", for which I took severe ribbing. In the manner of my predecessor Coco Chanel, I wrote off the entire episode to jealousy. After a recent visit, ONLY referred to the rest of the family as "the cocos." She realizes that I am a trend setter and have my own posse.
If you are a Francophile, history buff, fashion maven or just love to laugh, you need to lay your hands on a copy of The Gospel According to Coco Chanel by Karen Karbo. In a dyslexic moment, I read the authors last name as Karob...as in carob the nasty chocolate substitute and me the world's promoter of chocolate desserts. I was about to write this book off without a mere glance, when I realized my error. In actuality it was Karbo, as in carbohydrate, which sounded just dandy to me. I bet she would gladly down a chocolate eclair with gusto. I plunged ahead and hit the BUY button on my Kindle. (Right here I need to say that you want a hard copy of this book, not the Kindle version. They post all the footnotes at the end of the book and you loose all sense of continuity reading them after you've read the book.)

Now that you are holding your very own copy of The Gospel According to Coco Chanel, turn off your phone, shut down the computer, pour your favorite beverage and select a light snack (Chanel was very svelte.) and enjoy several hours getting acquainted with the woman behind the House of Chanel. Coco's story is interspersed with bits of the author's adventures and life experiences which makes it current and historical at the same time. This is not one of those nasty tell-all books, but doesn't shrink from the good, bad and ugly of Chanel's life. It is written in a light, conversational tone; more like chatting with the author over coffee rather than reading someone's restructured dissertation.

I came away from this delicious tidbit of reading wishing I had paid more attention to Monsieur Hightower's French class in high school. Sacre blue! What was I thinking? The only time folks understood my French in Paris was when I had a charge card in my hand. (I guess money is the universal language.) So, since I was sadly lacking in the linguistic department, I opted for savoir-faire, instead. There is nothing like an entire rack of black dresses in one's closet to make one truly feel tres magnifique! If I could just give up the diamonds for a long string of pearls...

For those of you who will never forgive the French for anything...try Karen's new book about Kathryn Hepburn, How to Hepburn. As an old movie buff, it is next on my list. Chic alors!!!

Ina Garten and TR Pescod

2011-07-08T13:16:00.000-05:00

Do I have to wait until I have seven cookbooks and a TV show before I get to have a little eye-candy in my kitchen? First of all, Midland, Texas is hardly the zenith of television production. So, the chances of seeing me on camera are limited to local interviews. I have published two cookbooks and am working on the third. That ought to count for something.

It's hard to begrudge Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa, her very attractive (and alas, gay) TR Pescod. It is kind of like looking at all the pastry in the bakery window, appreciating it and then walking away.

She is a no nonsense cook with a cheerful attitude and loving husband. (He reminds me of my father.) I can't believe how much "stuff" is out there complaining about her "elitist" home in the Hamptons. That's like yelling at folks who have a ski lodge in Aspen or a condo in Florida. Get over it. She is fortunate to live where she lives and she appears to appreciate it.

After watching endless cooking shows, it is nice to see someone who is promoting the art of cooking and not selling themselves as (Rachel Ray) a personality. We don't have to watch jiggling cleavage (Giada) while she is chopping vegetables. She uses proper grammar and language fit for the entire family. (Who thought Bitchin' Kitchen was a good idea?) Ina is more forgiving on technique, than say, My Way Martha. As for the male cooks...forget it. If you really want to learn how to cook minus the all-about-me showmanship, tune into the Barefoot Contessa.

People complain that the filming of the show is "staged". Of course it is. That's why it is a series of television programs with a central theme and not a Utube video. Oh, and don't get me started about her gay friends. So she's not supposed to use the local florist? Honestly, grow up!!! I guess it's just as well that I'm not a famous chef. I couldn't stand the life under a microscope and all the second-guessing. PARTNER is used to my cooking. So for now, I'll just have to bask in the glory of dessert praises from my sons-in-law who are equally handsome as TR.

Lance Berkman's New Body

2011-07-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

I have always been a big Lance Berkman fan. I was very unhappy that he was traded from the Astro's to the Yankees and ultimately to the Cardinals. This year, I was surprised and impressed by his new sleek physique...I noticed a difference the first Astro/Cardinal game.

It seems that Lance took umbrage with a comment made by an Astro's announcer Milo Hamilton indicating that he appeared to be in better shape now than he was as an Astro. I'm sure it was an unexpected slur from a long-time friend, but in baseball if you're not with us, you're against us. It would have been in the spirit of his often given Christian testimony, just to ignore the grumpy old man and make a joke of it. Surely by this time he has learned that the press can boost you up or suck the life out of you with nary a thought to your ego.

Anyway, give it up Lance...you do look much better and you are playing better. There is no shame in self-improvement, but why deny it? There is nothing like a new team and a rehabbed knee to make you want to shine. It is called self-preservation. You are headed to the All-Star Game, you have a reputation as a good guy, and you gave Astro's fans some fantastic memories, but your weren't called Big Puma and Fat Elvis for nothing.

Deer Canon on the Not So Funny Farm

2011-07-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

I hate to purloin from a Sesame Street song, but:
"There's a funny farm down the road from me where the silliest thing happen that you ever did see.
Way late at night, when everything's dark, five dogs (cluck). Five hens begin to (bark)."
And anytime of day or night you'll be surprised to hear, a boom-ing canon, to chase away the deer.

The neighboring cotton farmer has installed a device that is either triggered by motion or randomly emits shotgun sounds to deter the deer from dining on his crops. Since we have had no rain in six months, most of the farmers opted not to plant. Unfortunately, the adjoining land has drip irrigation, so cotton was planted. As I have mentioned before, there is nothing even remotely green around the ranch except the mesquite...and his cotton. Of course the wildlife are looking to enhance their diets and take advantage of the tender cotton plant shoots.
I have researched the use of noise deterrents and deer and they have concluded that deer soon become accustomed to the sound and totally ignore it...as in deer on runways with roaring jet noise. PARTNER and I are not made of such stern stuff. We are annoyed during the day and kept awake at night by the blasts emanating less than an acre away. I guess Mr. Farmer didn't read the directions..."Do not use around residences." Or, maybe he thought since he didn't live in the area, it wouldn't be a problem.
Most of these devices run off a propane cylinder. Because we are under severe fire warnings, I'm hoping we are not about to be incinerated in the night by a flying spark. Even if this thing is run off of electricity, it is nasty nuisance. So much for the peace and quiet of the country.

Jake and Elwood Are Getting the Band Back Together

2011-07-01T08:24:00.001-05:00

Yes, we have all aged. Hope your 4th of July celebration still rocks!

Diamond B Hick Quiz

2011-06-29T10:07:00.002-05:00

As I stood at the window of our modular ranch home, gazing at the new above ground pool and the tractor attachments in the distance, I began to worry that maybe we had become a little too countrified. PARTNER, being from Columbus, Texas, probably hasn't noticed our slow decline into red-neck life. I, being a Houston girl, find it quite overwhelming that I am part owner of this little slice of Garden City.

During his college days, PARTNER actually had the nickname, "Hick." It is just a natural digression for him back to small town living and ranch life. I am happy to say that I did not ace this little quiz, so I guess I don't have to worry...yet.

Answer yes or no:
Have you ever stopped along the Interstate to see if the road kill was salvageable?
Do you have more than one bumper sticker on your vehicle?
Have you owned your truck longer than you've been married?
Do you like to set things on fire? Shoot them? Blow them up?

Have you ever been refused service because you weren't wearing a shirt/shoes?

Are there toothpicks in your pocket or truck?

Fill in the blanks.

There are ______Vienna Sausages in a can.

Scrapple is________________________.
What is God's first name?_______________.
What do you call the offspring of a mule?____________.
Name five characters from the Andy Griffith Show._______________________
What does PBR stand for?_________________
Thought questions:
Which is worse, chiggers of ticks, and why?_____________________________
When it comes to dating family members, you should:
a. Avoid it.
b. Ask for a legal definition of "family".
Give yourself one additional point for owning any of the following: Deerstand, Gunrack, George Strait 8- track, Copenhagen.
Worth one point each if you:
Cash you paycheck at the 7-11.
Have a designated beer refrigerator.
Own a NASCAR hat.
Carry a spit cup.
Wear wife-beater shirts.

Bonus: Ten extra points if you took this quiz with a beer in your hand. Give yourself one point for each "yes" and any question you could answer. If you needed to take off your shoes to compute your final score, give yourself ten more points...if you can count that high.

James and the Giant Peach Cookie

2011-06-27T11:48:00.000-05:00

TWO was a big fan of Roald Dahl books, so I decided to name my new cookie recipe in honor of his James and the Giant Peach book. While you're downloading the story to your Kindle, let's get started on our giant cookies.
2 cups Sun-Maid dried peaches
Dice these into 1/4 inch pieces and toss with:
2 tablespoons confectioners' sugar
Process in food processor until fruit is in small nuggets. Remove from processor and toss with:
1/4 cup confectioners' sugar
Separate the pieces into little bits and set aside.

Process white chocolate in the food processor for 15 seconds and set aside:
1 cup white chocolate chips

1/2 cup (one stick) butter
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
Cream butter and sugars together until smooth. Then add:
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Beat until combined. Add:
15.5 Ounces Peach Fruit Spread (about 2 cups) This needs to be spread rather than preserves. I used HEB brand and it was mostly 1/4 inch pieces of peach with just enough "jelly" to spread the mass around. You can add diced can peaches to peach preserves to get the right consistency if you can't find a dense fruit spread.
Add:
2 1/4 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
Combine until smooth. Add:
dried chopped peaches
white chocolate chips

Line 4 large cookie sheets with parchment paper. You will place 6 cookies per sheet, using 1/4 cup of dough for each cookie. Bake at 350 degrees for 19 minutes. Cool on the pan for 5 minutes and transfer to cooling rack. These will be slightly soft on the bottom, like a tea cake. Makes 21 cookies. When cookies are completely cool, drizzle with Wilton's Cookie Icing or your own glaze.

Bring Back Opera Gloves

2011-06-23T08:29:00.000-05:00

After the recent inclusion of my prom photo on the blog, I've been awash in the glamour of opera gloves. Seeing that photo brought back some wonderful memories of other lovely formals and long white gloves. There is something so sophisticated and charming about opera gloves. Having been around since the sixteenth century, how could they have suddenly gone by the wayside? Now, they seem to be mostly relegated to debutantes, brides and strippers.

As you can see by the photos, many pretty and talented women have known the power of long gloves.

To determine your glove size, measure across your knuckle on your index finger and wrap the measuring tape around you hand and back to the first knuckle, excluding your thumb. Kid gloves have a little "give", so a precise measurement is required. The sizes usually range for 6-8, including half-sizes.

Fabric gloves are usually not sized, as they stretch to accommodate many sizes.

Don't tug on the top of the glove, but insert the fingers and gently smooth up the arm. A little powder with help ease those kid gloves without stretching them. When removing your gloves, fold down the top, open the buttons at the wrist and slip out your hand, then slide the glove off.

Kid gloves require some extra care. Reshape each finger after wearing and smooth the glove back into shape. If you have a little smudge, you might try a clean, soft eraser. Leather gloves are expensive to clean and it is difficult to even find a cleaner who will take on the task. Store them carefully. Unlined kid gloves cost in the $200 range.

Gloves should be put on after dressing and before leaving the house...they are part of your ensemble. Leave them on in reception lines and while dancing. It is perfectly correct to wear a bracelet over your gloves, but NOT rings...this looks nutty.

When eating, removing them when you are seated at the dining table. You can put them in your evening bag or let them rest in your lap.

As you may have noticed with our lovely models, white or off-white gloves are appropriate with light-colored gowns, but save the black gloves for the dark or multi-colored formals.

Gloves not only look classy, but they hide a multitude of sins on the hands and arms. Come on ladies. Support the return of the opera glove! Maybe some of the other social graces will follow. How long has it been since you've had a corsage?

Why Don't Men Read and/or Follow Instructions?

2011-06-20T14:14:00.000-05:00

People who intalled pool on level ground.

Yes, PARTNER, it is your turn. I know you've been waiting to be the star of another blog entry, but I've been holding off. You really have been working on those little deficits lately, so I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt. One the positive side, you quit whistling at me to get my attention while we are spraying mesquite. You bought and hid an Easter basket for me, breaking a ten year drought. You even agreed to put up an above ground pool at the Diamond B, as we are sweltering in record-breaking heat. Kudos to you.

Now, to the point of the story...
Although it may seem intuitive how to set up a swimming pool, I figured it came with a video and several instruction booklets for a reason. Of course, PARTNER wanted nothing to do with the video after the first few minutes, "Dumb!"
I managed to catch the phrase, "set up on a completely level surface" and also noticed that it was in bold print on the instruction booklet. So, I'm thinking that our planned patio installation is not a viable option. Well, of course, I was wrong.
P: "It's not that sloped."
"But is says it needs to be on a level surface."
P: "Nothing out here is level."
"Yeah, but maybe the grass doesn't slope as much as the patio."
P: "It'll be fine. Lets fill it up."
"Why don't we wait until it cools off a little?"
P: "(ignore)"
"Here's the level. Why don't you check it before we start filling it? "
P: "(urmph)"
"You know, it says that if the ground is not level, the side of the pool will blow out."

P: "(silence)"

"....which means that I could be thrown into the concrete patio."

P: "It's not gonna' happen."

"Here's a bottle of cold water. I'm going into the house because it is 106 degrees and I'm having a heatstroke."

Fours hours later....

P: "One side of the pool is bulging out. Guess I better drain it and find another spot."

His explanation to the kids of the day's events. "After a little bit of a rough start, we got the pool set up."

No one trick pony, he...

P: "Do you have any idea where this thing that looks like a sail goes?"

It was only the safety feature that keeps the ladder from tipping over when you stand on it. I'm saving all the directions until we discover what else "we" failed to do.

The Incredible Shrinking Eyebrows or Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2011-06-17T08:32:00.001-05:00

Have you noticed that your eyebrows are disappearing? If you've been an aggressive waxer, that could exacerbate the problem. Eyebrow loss can also be caused by a thyroid deficiency, but most of us are just facing another ugly fact of aging...you eyebrows become thinner and thinner. Contrary to some thought, scrubbing them in with a black pencil only makes you look like Graucho Marx.
I've always had nice dark brows and suddenly they seem to be shrinking and fading right before my eyes. So, if you are suffering along with me, here are some suggestions:

Talika Eyelash Lipocilis works on brow re-growth, but the big winner is Latisse. It is available by prescription, only. Revita Brow has mixed reviews. Castor bean oil (who knew) is not very popular and Rogaine for women doesn't seem to do much, either. While your brows are re-growing, you might try a little eyeshadow (DHC powder pencil) instead of eye pencil to fill in the gaps.

If you give up on resuscitating your thinning brown, your can always try faux brows. NuBrow makes a human hair brown that is put in place with adhesive and can be re-used. If you have any experience with these, let me know. I think it would feel like putting fuzzy caterpillars over your eyes, but then, I never had much use for false eyelashes, either. Some folks have resorted to tattooing brows. I find this very troublesome, as brow styles come and go and tattooing is pretty permanent. As you can see from the photo, it is not necessarily a natural look. Also, as we age, our brows are one of the few parts of our bodies that actually defy gravity. For some bizarre reason, they elevate from the eye socket as we age. This would explain some of the less than esthetically pleasing looks resulting from brow lifts. Because younger women have lower brows, these lifts actually produce the opposite of the desired affect and in the worst cases, leave one with the dreaded pointy-owl-eyebrows.

Jen Lancaster: Extreme Narcissist

2011-06-15T12:18:00.000-05:00

I don't think I ever read a book that I like less than Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster. The not so novel, novel deals with her "real" life. As the story opens, one gets the impression of a savvy-looking, driven executive afflicted with poor social skills. It deteriorates from there. This woman is obsessed with herself. She is a loud, potty-mouth abuser of her constitutional right to free speech. There is an ah-ha moment when one realizes exactly from where all that power-hungry, shopaholic, people abusing behavior stems. Psychologically it is known as the Fat Woman Syndrome. She is latently unhappy with her body (not matter what excuses she makes) and takes this angst out on the world in a less than appropriate manner. She is so miserable that she makes everyone else miserable, too. Unfortunately, the reader is forced to follow her down the path of personal destruction. Blaming her loss of job on the .com decline, she totally fails to even consider that her personality just might have alienated her from most of the English speaking world. She can't even get a job at Starbucks. Does that tell you something?
If she had landed a job, I think this would be her take on the day.
"Today I arrived at my new job at Starbucks. They have no idea of my superior management skills, so I will just show up all my co-workers and soon I'll be running the place. First of all, I'm wearing my chocolate brown flared-skirt and matching sweater set. Unfortunately, I had to sell my Gucci purse on EBay, but I look so much better than anyone else in the place, it hardly matters. Stupid Mr. Nose-Pierce is stoned and trying to hit on Miss Tattoo...get the picture? It is a good thing she's just standing there because if she ever got those thighs in action, she'd catch her jeans on fire. I stand out like a goddess among the rabble. "
You think I'm kidding?..wait until you read her diatribes. Even less fortunate, she often verbalizes exactly what she is thinking. She makes Don Rickles look like a saint. If you married your boyfriend because you were out of money and wanted cash wedding gifts, would you tell the world? No wonder he needs anti-depressants. Most of Jen's life decisions are pretty appalling. The only things I can think to say in her defense is that she sent money for the homeless (whom she ridicules), adopted two homeless dogs (that she could ill-afford) and sent something to the soldiers after 9-11.

Despite her education, socially she hasn't advance passed junior high. Her writing/attitude has all the ear-marks of a pubescent teen's diary entry filled with cursing. "Jensylvania"...it leaves me at a loss for words. Get back in the real world! The saddest part is, I think she has some funny stories to tell and great organizational skills. Maybe her other books are better, but I'm not counting on it judging from the titles: Bright Lights, Big Ass, Such a Pretty Fat, Pretty in Plaid and My Fair Lazy. The happy ending to the Jen Lancaster story is that she finally has a boss she can admire...she is self-employed.
I know, if you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all. I have great empathy for all writers and hate it when work is criticised only for self-promotion of the reviewer. Yes, I feel guilty, but it was a really bad book...and that's the truth.

Frozen Peaches and Cream Pie

2011-06-14T08:20:00.001-05:00

Another bad Iphone photo of a partially eaten pie.

I just finished reading The Peach Keeper, so I thought this would be a perfect time to give you my recipe for a frozen peach pie.

crust

Process in a food processor until fine crumbs.

24 vanilla cream cookies

Add:

2 tablespoons butter, melted

Combine and press into a 9 inch deep dish pie pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. Cool completely.

filling

16 ounces frozen peaches
Process these in food processor. You will have to pulse and stir to get these completely smooth. Then add:
1 cup peach preserves, processed until smooth
1 can (14 ounce) sweetened condensed milk (the thick gooey stuff)
1/2 cup orange juice
Combine until very smooth. Set aside.
Beat until stiff:
2 cups of whipping cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
4 tablespoons whipped cream stabilizer (King Arthur)*

Set aside 1 cup of whipped cream. Add remaining cream to the peach filling; gently folding to incorporate. Pour into shell and smooth. Cover with remaining whipped cream and wrap in plastic wrap. Place in the freezer until firm. (about 4-6 hours)

compote

8 peaches, peeled and sliced

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

Cook in microwave for 5 minutes. Allow to cool. Then process in food processor until slightly chunky. Refrigerate.

To serve: Remove pie from the freezer about fifteen minutes before serving. Cut into servings and top each slice with some of the peach compote. It is cool, creamy and very yummy.

*Each brand of stabilizer has different directions. Use the per cup amount indicated in the product directions.

Dirk Nowitzki: So Easy a Cave Man Could Do It!

2011-06-13T08:51:00.002-05:00

Announcer: "Dirk Nowitzki. You and your Dallas Mavericks have just won the NBA Championship and you've been named MVP. What are you going to do next?" Caveman Dirk: "I'm going to film a Geico commercial." All kidding aside, it really is toooo bad that the Miami Heat and all their super stars went down in flames-or maybe just a puff of smoke. I only saw about five minutes of the last game because I refuse to generate any revenue for an entity loaded with overpaid thugs, womanizers/abusers and druggies. If I wanted cheap theatrics and violence, I'd watch wrestling. Congratulations to the Mavericks, despite Mark Cuban.

Maisie Dobbs: The Adult Nancy Drew

2011-06-10T08:17:00.001-05:00

I haven't had so much fun reading a mystery series since the olden days of Nancy Drew. I'd check out the maximum number of books from the library and high-tail it home on my bicycle. Then it was out on the porch, up in a tree or under the bedcovers with a flashlight until I'd read through all of Nancy's latest adventures.

I am happy to say that the wonderment of childhood has returned in the very adult form of Maisie Dobbs. Unfortunately, I read the most recent novel first. Although they can be read independently, they do build on each other. I quickly back-tracked and read them all in order:

Maisie Dobbs- This is perhaps the slowest of the novels, but sets the background for all that is to come.

Birds of a Feather

Pardonable Lies

Messenger of Truth

An Incomplete Revenge

Among the Mad-oooh, so creepy!

The Trappings of Love and Death

A Lesson in Secrets-my favorite!

Really, I don't want to tell you anything about Maisie or her adventures, because I just don't want to spoil it for you. I never read the book jackets for that very reason. Take it on a leap of faith and jump into these amazing mysteries, which take place just prior and following WWI. It is a fascinating study in history as well as superbly constructed writing. You'll enjoy all the red herrings in these accounts. Just when I was sure I knew who done it...there was some clever twist. I couldn't put these books down and read them all in less than two weeks.

On another level, Maisie Dobbs is a woman ahead of her time. She leaves Nancy in the dust when it come to womens' lib. While Nancy relies on her father and housekeeper, Maisie is essentially a woman on her own. Part of the pleasure in reading these novels is watching her evolution as an woman battling against the male- dominate and class-conscience society of the time. Kudos to author, Jacqueline Winspear!
PS...some of these are available in bundles of two novels on Kindle.

Orange Summer Tart

2011-06-08T08:22:00.000-05:00

I was the lucky recipient of some Meduri dried Mandarin orange slices and I have been puzzling over what to do with them. After some pondering, I came up with a refreshing summer tart. Don't be put off by my bad photography. I snapped this with my Iphone at the last moment.
10 inch tart pan with removable bottom
single recipe pie crust or purchased crust
Lay the crust in the tart pan so that it extends up the ridged sides of the pan. Trim the remaining crust and prick the bottom of the crust with a fork. Bake at 425 degrees for 9 minutes. Immediately add:
1 cup white chocolate chips that have been processed for about 20 seconds
These chips will melt and cover the bottom crust. Allow the crust to fully cool while preparing the two fillings.

In the food processor, chop until about 1/4 inch:
6 ounces dried Mandarin oranges (about 1 1/4 cups)
3 tablespoons confectioners' sugar
These will be sticky, so you need to break them apart into individual nuggets of orange. Set aside.

Beat until stiff. Then set in refrigerator.
1 cup heavy cream
1/4 cup confectioners' sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 tablespoons whipped cream aid (Check the amount recommended on packet. It varies by manufacturer from 2 teaspoons to 2 tablespoons per cup of cream.)

layer one
4 ounces cream cheese
1 cup confectioners' sugar
1 tablespoon orange juice concentrate or Grand Marnier
Beat until smooth. Fold in:
1/2 of the whipped cream
Then gently fold in:
processed Mandarin oranges
Place this on top of the cooled tart crust.

layer two
1 3.4 ounce package instant vanilla pudding
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon orange oil extract
1 drop soft gel past food coloring -orange
Beat for one minute. Then fold in:
remaining 1/2 of the whipped cream

Place pudding layer on top of cream cheese layer and refrigerate. Push up the bottom of tart pan and remove the sides when you are ready to serve. This very rich and delicious.

Memorial High School Class of '66 - 45th Reunion

2011-06-06T18:09:00.004-05:00

The last time I really thought about my days in high school was 20 years ago when PARTNER and I went to my 25th reunion.There were about ten folks I knew and spent several hours at the table with someone who knew me, but I didn't figure out who she was until two weeks later. I'm sure PARTNER was bored to tears, but he dutifully attended because I had done the same for his Columbus High reunion a few weeks earlier.
His reunion was much easier. There were less than fifty folks in his graduating class and everyone still knew everyone else's business. My class, however, consisted of 485 individuals, many of whom I never had any contact with. When you eliminate the ones who live too far away to travel to Houston, the deceased and the incarcerated, I figure the chances of me knowing anyone in attendance are pretty slim. Besides, I haven't seen most of these folks since I donned my prom dress in 1966. Exactly, what would we have to talk about?
I have, however, kept in contact with the world's best civics teacher, Pegi Dosher and hear from her every Christmas. If you add one of my bridesmaids, Joanie Walker Pferdner, to the list, I now have two folks I'd like to see. Well, three, if anyone knows how to find Susan Piggott. Years ago, I saw Terry Norman Dagley at swimming lessons. We met up again at the 25th reunion. Ditto for Barbara Dye...saw her in the library in Houston. Otherwise, not much communication going on.
In light of this, I can only think of a few reasons to attend this reunion.
1. You are much better looking now than you were in high school. (Lost thirty pounds, had a hair transplant or facelift)
2. You are a realtor, cemetery plot salesperson, investment advisor or an attorney. These folks are always trying to drum up some new business.
3. Your legs still look great or you have six-pack abs.
4. You married lots of money or someone much younger than you.
5. You are desperately looking for love and hoping your high school honey is available.
6. You or your off-spring are famous or quasi-famous.
Okay, I agree with you, I ought to just stay home. Between my books, blog and volunteer stuff anyone who so desired would be able to find me with a quick Google search. (Yes, I finally joined facebook, but I just can't imagine anyone beside my family getting excited about my daily activities.) I realize I'm passing up the opportunity to "dress for a good time", but I think I got over that teen-age obsession with clothing a long time ago...well, sort of.
Gee, I wonder if Peggy Schwartz remembers the matching shoes we had that you could insert different colored ribbons to coordinate with your outfit? Did anyone in my accounting class actually become an accountant? What were the girls' names who wrote the fight song? Was a hop called the Bwana Bop politically correct? What are the Siff twins doing? Did anyone marry his/her high school sweetheart? What ever happened to Chuck Hoopengarner, cheerleader? Did any of the football team who beat Spring Branch for the first time, go on to play professional football? What about the State champion basketball team? Did anyone learn geometry from Miss Klinkerman and who untied my wrap-skirt outside her classroom? Speaking of which, does anyone still have a pair of petti-pants? Do you have your old rah-rahs? Hmmm....my date for the Senior Prom.
See, I told you...nothing of interest to me.